On those pockets of time in my everyday, where silence and self-thought are most coherent, I dabble on the to-be that would be decided today... or soon at the very least. As my good friend Sandy summed up, it is these pivotal points that determine one's tomorrow - that single choice that would spell out the next years of my life.
It has been a year since I have resided in Singapore, and in that span of time, this city has turned from a career-oriented move to something more personal. From a definite two year timeline, the prospect of staying here is now open for discussion. The once unentertained idea has now become a looming question overhead.
Is it how my tummy savors for ji fan and chili crab? Is it how my tongue can now enunciate the "lahs" and the "mehs"? Do I delight in the ease of the MRT or secretly smile at the hole in my wallet caused by the unending shopping at Orchard? Or being practical, is it simply that the Singapore Dollar trumps the Philippine Peso?
And to those questions I say, the answer is a yes... and yet it would still be a broken yes. Manila packs a punching reminder everytime I take a trip back. There's always a tug in my heart when I spend time with family and friends I have known since forever. And though Manila may not be as perfect as Singapore, the familiarity of things and the sense of belonging brings about a comfort one cannot find anywhere else. Manila will always be my home. It is that undeniable fact that makes agreement to the prior arguments empty. Staying in Singapore must mean more to me that just those reasons.
And on those pockets of time in my everyday, where silence and self-thought are most coherent, I dabble on the to-be that would be decided today... and I think about
How fulfilling I find stressing over twenty thousand metric tons of overflowing cargo, battling port strikes and vessel breakdowns, and improving my services could be
How I have found that sense of peace in me, which I have not had previously
How proud I am making my parents with me securing my and our future
Sandy, Eugene, Stephy, Earnest, WB, JJ, Miling just to name a few...
my happiness
To me these are the weighty reasons... these are the bricks upon where I would build my tomorrow should I stay in Singapore.
The choice is tough... but I guess it is comforting that no matter what path I choose, I am grateful to have two places to call my own - one a home, and another a home I can build.
Now that I have moved on... now do I risk everything again? Maybe sometimes... even if it might be special... maybe I just have to let go... Maybe this time, I'm afraid to fail? or rather afraid to fall and break my heart once more?
Previous Entry: Part I
It's been a while since I wrote here. Things have changed so much since my last entry. When I look back I am amazed once more at the resiliency of my heart. It was not fun at all. Painful. Broken twice. Here I am again though, back on my feet. I have weathered the storm.
Yet in this solitude that is now, the past never fails to still question. It leaves echoes of a thousand caves, ripples reaching far beyond its long gone source. Though the wounds have healed, the scar it leaves serves as a testament to a time wherein I risked everything for happiness. The scar poses endless questions with no real answers - except maybe the failure of loving?
I have eased back into Singapore life as if the past week was a distant memory. It's not entirely as tough as I thought it would be. Rather, there is a silent acceptance that this is my life now. The happy moments of the previous days are an exception that come fleetingly.
In my daily rounds, I cannot help but wonder how you are doing. How are your everydays? I can't help but fancy whether if our everydays were shared, would everything around me still be as mundane? I'm thinking silly again.
Once in a while you say "hi". I am stopped dead in my tracks like a deer casting long shadows as it faces the blazing headlights of a rampaging automobile. The light is dazzling, beautiful yet dangerous. I shut my eyes. I go back to that solitary but safe place where you no longer exist. I close them tight, holding my grip, reminding myself that it hurts more for you to be there than not to be... and in that split-second I move on, leaving your call to the wind to carry the hopes and promises far far away.
It's been a while since I wrote here. Things have changed so much since my last entry. When I look back I am amazed once more at the resiliency of my heart. It was not fun at all. Painful. Broken twice. Here I am again though, back on my feet. I have weathered the storm.
Yet in this solitude that is now, the past never fails to still question. It leaves echoes of a thousand caves, ripples reaching far beyond its long gone source. Though the wounds have healed, the scar it leaves serves as a testament to a time wherein I risked everything for happiness. The scar poses endless questions with no real answers - except maybe the failure of loving?
I've made up my mind to be here for you no matter what. No more complaints. No more backing down. No more doubts. I am here for you. I have known this fact for a long time. I was just scared. Now, I no longer am.
