I just realized that there are certain silences inside that I never acknowledged or shunned away until today... It would have been easy to let them all go but then a compelling urge inside of me just wouldn't let me not write, moreover, forget all these thoughts and leave them to my memory for safe keeping. I may need them once more to remind me of things that need of reminding... especially when things of irreplaceable value are at stake. Pardon my use of metaphors, it might get hazy but then it is the least I could do to keep privacy intact... and I know only a few can read my blog and I trust that few to keep what is here to themselves... This post is for me and it is shared with trust...

July13th is one of the most confusing, trying days of my life that shook me up to my core. It is a day when I let all my guard down, surrendering my person which I have protected so tirelessly for the people I value most and I guess for myself too. It was my choice to open my protective fortress to expose all my innards - naked, bare, stained, truth. Not that I didn't know the pain would ram me but I guess I foolishly hoped that in Expectation, all pain would be overcome. In my eagerness for Expectation to wine and dine with me, I vanquished all thought that Expectation may not come at all entirely... leaving me solitary upon the feast that I have prepared waiting, hoping and in the end... hurting more.

In addition, I never have felt so selfish in my entire life. I have always received comments saying that I should think of myself once in a while... and that I am becoming too selfless to my own detriment... but the one time I needed to put my self, my desires and my well-being at the end, I fail. The one time where it counts so much, I fail miserably. More than anything, I guess this is what hurt me the most and the shame still eats me up inside every so often. The one time I needed to understand, to care, and not to add to life's complications, I do just the opposite and make things worse. Great... just freaking great...

"I'll take all the hurt for you." - I really wish I could proclaim this out loud with optimism and pride but it is just now that I realized that I may not be that strong... Not that I'm using it as an excuse, God knows I'm still fighting it out everyday... battling with that silent sadness and anger that rampages through my insides... I'm not scared about getting hurt anymore... I'm just scared of losing the fight, that no matter what hurt I take, there will never be a victory with the situation we are in... and that may be the ultimate pain, the source of all tears that I must learn to accept... and live upon... which would mean that by the end there may be nothing left of me but a wasteland decorated by a smiling shell. But even to no avail, I will forge on with this battle, no matter how broken I may be from the wounds and scars... and from the impending defeat I savagely know I am facing.. Because sometimes even in defeat, there is no replacing the person one is fighting for... I admit I cringe in fear of this loss, I may sometimes falter because of its heavy weight... but never will this battle be forsaken... It might end with my defeat but not with my surrender.

Lately I feel as if I'm opening up to a Wall. I wouldn't blame the once open Entry who received me so well to now have chosen to lock itself up once more into a Wall... considering all that has happened... but I must admit that it adds to the frustration and hurt... because in the mess that I am in, I am slowly crumbling away inside... and I wonder how you are doing? If you're crumbling away inside too? Because of the mess or because of the mess I added? I feel so powerless and yet act as if I'm powerful that given the chance to know that you're hurting, I can do something? But the fact remains that I know there may be nothing more I can do... that I just add up to all the clutter... that even sometimes I doubt if it is best for your sake that I should still fight things out...? Then it all goes back into the loop, why do I need to know how you're feeling if there are no answers that I can provide? And I search for the answer deep inside... and realize that maybe caring, and being there isn't about answers... maybe it's about going through the pain together to ease it up a bit... and maybe because for the simplicity of knowing how you're doing, I may find peace because some things are too important to be ignorant about...