heya ver,

you might be surprised to get an email from me as i have not been mailing you personally for quite a while. i never did want to write you an email, text or even call when things go bothering me and for the 3 months i was here i was doing great on handling things on my own. but yeah still i would mail mat but i never sent things to cei or to you because really i felt here my life here was a fresh start and that i had so much strength in facing things. i learned so much about myself and i guess learned to love myself more. what you guys have been telling me the past 3 years about taking care of myself, i have found here.

hong kong for me gave me most of the things i have been looking for in life and i guess that is why i am so happy. but now as it is ending, it is so plain to see that i am really taking it hard. months ago, i saw going back home as an opportunity to show how much i learned, how much i changed and how mature i have grown. months ago, i was looking forward to going home and change things and make things better. but now that strength that filled me up to face things seemingly goes crashing down. i fear that when i go back home, all i have learned will instead fade away and i will be always contemplating on my experiences here. i fear that i go back home broken, and unable to appreciate things that i have back there.

after calling you the other day when i had a problem, i felt annoyed with myself afterwards. i felt that there i was again, calling you for help, running back when things go wrong. but i didnt know what to do... i wanted to be strong but sometimes i just cant take it. i had been handling that problem for 3 weeks and i just didnt know anymore...

i guess im writing this to you because for a person who has so much pride like me, i just dont want to disappoint you guys when i go back. i want to go back happy and strong and better than when i left there back in august. i want to go back and instead make it my turn to be there for you guys be it in good times or bad. i want to go back and make up things and change things.

but fear always is there... i fear that i wouldnt be able to live up to all these, that facing my past and all things that are there would just be so tough... that what i thought i gained here and the strength i have is nothing more than just a temporary escape from the challenges of my life.

so if ever i screw up, if i have my moods, if i go irrational, or closed or silent or whatever the hell it is i do to be a pain, im saying sorry in advance... but i hope that you know im trying, trying always so hard to make things better, always for me, my family and for you guys. you all are a part of my life and i know that my life affects you all in the same way that i tie myself up to all your lives... i hope when i come back instead of pulling things down, i'd be the one to pull you guys up... hopefully...

i am enjoying things here because a part of me tells me that when i go home i can share all those joys and lessons learned with you all. i may run to you when i have problems but for those days that are good, i know inside, i am happy because the moments here heal and give me strength to bring back home. i wish i could do that. i wish it is all enough. please tell everyone i love them. i love them so much. i love them that now i understand there is nothing in the world, no treats for dinner, no fancy gift and no material stuff that can suffice, because the best thing i can give you guys is a better friend and son... a better person who can really really love more... and that is what i hope i did here, become a better person for myself so that then i can become a better person to those that matter so much to me.

sincerely,
ian