Holding on.

It is a difficult question I face each day, holding on. For me, it seems everyone's lives are turning save mine, which has stopped in the center of this roundabout world watching everyone as they move forward. Do you get that feeling sometimes? The same feeling in a carousel as those horses go around and around, and you see scenes go past you but then you never really leave the center of the ride? you never actually move...

Right now I do not even know what to ask myself or what to think about Hong Kong. Just yesterday after emailing Matt a long long letter, I went to bed after and tried to sleep... and the pangs of Hong Kong just came rushing to me again that I got my cellphone and typed away the sad feeling even if I didnt know who to send it to... but actually I didn't finish what I was typing... with all the fatigue from weekend's work, I fell asleep, cellphone in hand and thoughts of hong kong only stopped by a tired body. When will it ever end?

To me each day is a battle with insecurity, with distance, with regrets, with the if's and the imaginations and the loss... the loss... and I am holding on which makes things all the more tough. Back in January I was still dreaming, still hopeful, still so strong... but time and distance is such a fierce adversary... and now 3 months later, I am worn out and tired. Life seems to have moved on for them... and yes, in a way it has been moving for me as well... but inside, deep inside my heart are the precious memories of the past and the sadness of the present that has remained stagnant and unchanged.

I remember last year, at this time, I was sad and down and at one of my life's worst. A year from that time, here I am, strong and independent by myself. So much change has happened that I look back and I seem to not know anymore the Ian of a year ago... HK has given me so much strength and independence. Pat has been there for me, a true friend though sometimes he doesnt know it. Jacq has cared for me like a sister from the start. Queenie means so much more than words. Alex taught me to discover things and life... and I know I met them all for a reason, and that right now there is so much more as to who I am because of them... and yet I am at a crossroad as well... because from so much strength, right now they are the only ones who make me feel so weak at the same time... because I do miss them so much... and it hurts...