The other day I told Charles how I was anxious about applying for Markprof (it's a Marketing boot camp program) but all he said was "sos Ian pa, kayang kaya!" [geez Ian, I'm sure you can do it!]

Yesterday I was sturdying for Cost Accounting and asked Gen and Paton how it was for them and I told them I was pretty nervous about the long test on Friday and they go "Ano? mataas ka naman sigurado!" [What??? I'm sure you'll get high!]

Is it just me or is my confidence really down? It seems as if people believe so much in my capabilities but I tend to think otherwise. Not that it's all humble pie on my part but sometimes I really do think I find it hard while all the while people think it's so easy for me.

Back in Xavier (grade school and high school) I used to believe that I was capable, if not one of the best. I don't know what happened along the way but I just feel so normal now. But all this while, I guess the image of a studious student stuck with me. Not that I don't have a good standing academically but to me it seems that it's all hardwork and persistence, not a natural gift of smarts. Well, that's how I feel about it.

Not that I find persistence bad; actually it's a good trait. But I guess sometimes it can't be helped that expectations tend to take hold of me, and when I fail to live up to them, I feel disappointed, for at that point, I've worked hard and it doesn't pay off.

On the contrary, maybe that's just my gift - to always work hard and place effort. I'm not speaking just about academics but also towards everything in general. I always seem to put all of myself, especially in those things that matter to me.

There are times though when I just feel tired and I just want to let go. I akin it to holding on to the rail on the top of a high building wherein letting go would mean to fall down below. But isn't the fall sometimes attractive and exhilirating? - Like bungee jumping (which I would really love to try). And not forgetting to be sappy, but just let go of things and be sure that someone would catch you? or that maybe at least someone would be there to nurse you when you're face down on the ground? I think I have let go a number of times in the past, but I always found myself alone at the bottom. But, I didn't give up. I persisted. I stood up and got myself going again.

Now, I think I climbed up on the top floor of that skyscraper once more... I'm tired. I'm on the edge. I'm holding on hard. But despite that, I don't want to let go anymore. I may not be able to nurse myself again back to life. The gift of persistence and effort and hardwork, I'm afraid may not be enough this time around.

What is ironic is, to hold on, I still need persistence and effort... but what will happen now if my fingers slip... and the fall comes?