Friday was a great day for league and just to be with the team. Despite missing the dinner with the CS department, going to E-Lanes definitely was worth it. Tot had a really fantastic game, which pulled us through to 3rd place in the league standings. It was our first time to score on each set, and the second week that we garnered 6 points. Moreover, it was just nice to hangout with Tot and Jaki after such a hectic week, and also the rest of the team too.

Going home from E-Lanes, I knew today (Saturday) was going to be loads different. Certain stuff on my mind bothered me already before I slept... and waking up this morning, I started the day awfully with my convo with Mat. I duno what to think of the problem really... I'm not being "martyr", it's just that probably I duno whether I should still go out of my way again... Probably I'm still hurt about stuff... maybe the thought of what happened still gets to me...

Later at Greenvalley, things turned for the worst. I just wanted to throw my ball away... My patience was really low and was so frustrated about bowling... and some other stuff. Maybe I thought bowling would ease all the confusion... but it really didn't help.

And it didn't help as well that shoti was having a bad day too... because it made me feel so useless that I couldn't help... He probably needed time alone, but I sorta felt pushed-away... and since my day was going bonkers just the same... I didn't handle things well again... I wish I could just be better, and stronger for shoti... but sometimes, I need shoti to be there for me too...

I duno but today the worst feeling I had was when I felt that people are just there when they need me... need me for school, for help, for this and that.... I really don't count the times that I help but maybe sometimes I'm afraid that's all that I'm about... helping people? Being liked because I help a lot? That friendship with people revolve around the help I give, and without that... I'll just be forgotten...

Lately I just miss hearing "Hey this happened to me" or "I had a great day" or "I'm sad because". I guess I miss friends that can just ask me "How are you feeling? What's the problem?" so that I don't have to go and say "I have a problem." I guess I just miss people who just want to talk or hang-out for no reason at all, and the reason just being that they enjoy my company.

I guess those are my insecurities as of late, and it's quite hard writing about them. But despite that I guess in a big way I also fear losing the helpful side... because maybe without the help I give, or without being nice... I'll just be alone.

P.S.
This post is quite personal and if you do read it, please just keep it to yourself.