I wish I can say on this merry merry season that I'm happy... for once, I deeply want to feel that everything is all right in the world, without worries, without hurt.

Last Friday afternoon, I went to Mary the Queen, sat down on the pew and just closed my eyes. The silence of the Church just brought a certain calm that cannot be found in any where else. Without anything on my mind, tears just welled down from my eyes.

I hate Christmas because it seems to heighten all the pain and the loneliness... and every December usually a big thing happens in my life that cuts me to pieces. Each year, it seems as if a hole is dug deeper, and I cannot find my way out of the pain.

I want to get out of this hole, but I'm tired... and I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know who to turn to...

and this Christmas, this Christmas is no different from four Christmases of before... and it's always sad...