Life's EchO

Singapore Meh?

2011-01-23T00:44:00.000+08:00

On those pockets of time in my everyday, where silence and self-thought are most coherent, I dabble on the to-be that would be decided today... or soon at the very least. As my good friend Sandy summed up, it is these pivotal points that determine one's tomorrow - that single choice that would spell out the next years of my life.

It has been a year since I have resided in Singapore, and in that span of time, this city has turned from a career-oriented move to something more personal. From a definite two year timeline, the prospect of staying here is now open for discussion. The once unentertained idea has now become a looming question overhead.

Is it how my tummy savors for ji fan and chili crab? Is it how my tongue can now enunciate the "lahs" and the "mehs"? Do I delight in the ease of the MRT or secretly smile at the hole in my wallet caused by the unending shopping at Orchard? Or being practical, is it simply that the Singapore Dollar trumps the Philippine Peso?

And to those questions I say, the answer is a yes... and yet it would still be a broken yes. Manila packs a punching reminder everytime I take a trip back. There's always a tug in my heart when I spend time with family and friends I have known since forever. And though Manila may not be as perfect as Singapore, the familiarity of things and the sense of belonging brings about a comfort one cannot find anywhere else. Manila will always be my home. It is that undeniable fact that makes agreement to the prior arguments empty. Staying in Singapore must mean more to me that just those reasons.

And on those pockets of time in my everyday, where silence and self-thought are most coherent, I dabble on the to-be that would be decided today... and I think about

How fulfilling I find stressing over twenty thousand metric tons of overflowing cargo, battling port strikes and vessel breakdowns, and improving my services could be
How I have found that sense of peace in me, which I have not had previously
How proud I am making my parents with me securing my and our future
Sandy, Eugene, Stephy, Earnest, WB, JJ, Miling just to name a few...
my happiness

To me these are the weighty reasons... these are the bricks upon where I would build my tomorrow should I stay in Singapore.

The choice is tough... but I guess it is comforting that no matter what path I choose, I am grateful to have two places to call my own - one a home, and another a home I can build.

It's Been A While Part II

2010-12-13T20:20:00.002+08:00

Part II:

Now that I have moved on... now do I risk everything again? Maybe sometimes... even if it might be special... maybe I just have to let go... Maybe this time, I'm afraid to fail? or rather afraid to fall and break my heart once more?

Previous Entry: Part I

It's been a while since I wrote here. Things have changed so much since my last entry. When I look back I am amazed once more at the resiliency of my heart. It was not fun at all. Painful. Broken twice. Here I am again though, back on my feet. I have weathered the storm.

Yet in this solitude that is now, the past never fails to still question. It leaves echoes of a thousand caves, ripples reaching far beyond its long gone source. Though the wounds have healed, the scar it leaves serves as a testament to a time wherein I risked everything for happiness. The scar poses endless questions with no real answers - except maybe the failure of loving?

:(

2010-11-24T23:05:00.003+08:00

I have eased back into Singapore life as if the past week was a distant memory. It's not entirely as tough as I thought it would be. Rather, there is a silent acceptance that this is my life now. The happy moments of the previous days are an exception that come fleetingly.

In my daily rounds, I cannot help but wonder how you are doing. How are your everydays? I can't help but fancy whether if our everydays were shared, would everything around me still be as mundane? I'm thinking silly again.

Once in a while you say "hi". I am stopped dead in my tracks like a deer casting long shadows as it faces the blazing headlights of a rampaging automobile. The light is dazzling, beautiful yet dangerous. I shut my eyes. I go back to that solitary but safe place where you no longer exist. I close them tight, holding my grip, reminding myself that it hurts more for you to be there than not to be... and in that split-second I move on, leaving your call to the wind to carry the hopes and promises far far away.

It's Been A While

2010-10-28T22:40:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I wrote here. Things have changed so much since my last entry. When I look back I am amazed once more at the resiliency of my heart. It was not fun at all. Painful. Broken twice. Here I am again though, back on my feet. I have weathered the storm.

Yet in this solitude that is now, the past never fails to still question. It leaves echoes of a thousand caves, ripples reaching far beyond its long gone source. Though the wounds have healed, the scar it leaves serves as a testament to a time wherein I risked everything for happiness. The scar poses endless questions with no real answers - except maybe the failure of loving?

Birthday

2010-06-20T14:00:00.004+08:00

I've made up my mind to be here for you no matter what. No more complaints. No more backing down. No more doubts. I am here for you. I have known this fact for a long time. I was just scared. Now, I no longer am.

I'm not letting go.

Happy Birthday.

Fast Car

2010-06-13T02:59:00.002+08:00

You got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Your hand gripped the steering wheel. I was on the passenger seat but my mind was miles away. Silence filled your Toyota Corolla. The events of the night before made the air heavy. The nothingness chilled the atmosphere despite the noontime heat.

Driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

I wanted to be nowhere else but near you and nothing more than to be close to you. I felt drugged by the pain. You glance once in a while, probably searching for the right words to say. I see you by the corner of my eye. I want to say something but my lips don't part.

We gotta make a decision

We leave tonight or live and die this way

I move to rest my hand in yours. You take my hand and press on it. I press in return.

And I had a feeling that I belonged

And I had a feeling that I could be someone

Life and Lottery

2010-02-24T01:09:00.005+08:00

Everyone has been going gaga over the ten million SGD lottery this coming Friday. I got myself two tickets today for the draw. Though I don't really think I'll win it, I couldn't help but wonder how I would spend all that money.

I guess we could say life is a lottery. One single instance could be a life-changing moment. Like the person who would be thanking his lucky stars upon winning the cold hard cash on Friday, life always surprises us with the unexpected. It leaves us gasping - awe-struck at how tomorrow is something that could have never been imagined possible.

Finding love. Landing a job. Losing a loved one. Getting pregnant. Knowing of an illness. Scientific breakthroughs. American Idol. Being elected. Calamities and accidents. These are but just some of life's lotteries. All these change things and they start by changing us, the ticket holder.

It is this lottery called life that keeps things exciting. It keeps the ball rolling. It makes one look forward to what will be. The lottery of life is not about pinning my hopes for the fated day. It is about being open to the possibility that my present may not equate to my future. It is about being prepared to accept that challenge of demise and despair, of hope and happiness when you are called.

Thus, contrary to popular opinion, we have all won in one way or another. We have all been winners in this grand draw. Sometimes it's a gift to be picked. Other times we'd rather have someone else take our place. The only thing that matters though in this game is that we are ready with hearts steadfast to face what tomorrow may bring and that we are wise to not squander what has been given.

The Tin Man's Love

2010-02-12T00:12:00.001+08:00

Wizard of Oz: As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.

Tin Woodsman: But I still want one.

- From The Wizard of OZ, 1939

Is there such a thing as an unbreakable heart? Then it would be a heart no longer in its entirety. For a heart breaks, just as it mends itself whole again. But why go through this pain - a wound which will never pale in comparison to any physical injury? Why?

Love, and nothing more, of which nothing greater can be thought. Love because you love, which endures even the breaking of one's heart. Love because it is ecstasy, that no money can buy, no drug can replicate, no thing can replace. Love because you have found yourself in another, not losing oneself, but building something new. Love because it makes vast distances small when you hold someone in your being. Love because it makes nearness into oneness. Love because it is life's main ingredient, not an add-on or flavoring or seasoning. Love because it allows you to see not simply beyond someone's faults, but because it allows you to find joy even in those shortcomings. Love because you hate loving, even when it hurts, even if it has been shattered a dozen times before and even if you shatter it a thousand times still... Love.

Love. Because even if I may never receive your love, I have been made happy with simply loving you.

14 Days: This Is It

2009-11-01T22:34:00.005+08:00

Okay, I didn't manage to write the past few days as promised but I have a very good excuse - I was out spending time with my barkada and family.

Saturday

Ver woke me up at around one in the afternoon. I was getting picked up by him since he was around the Binondo area. We caught up at his place and then met up with Manny, Laoers, Mat, Nica and Steph for a Korean dinner at Ye Dang. Food was yummy and so were the drinks afterwards at Side Bar. I almost passed out. Given my poor performance at Side Bar, I don't know how I'll survive my party this coming Saturday.

Sunday

Despite the hangover from the night before, everyone managed to wake up to visit Gar at Manila Memorial. It was hot, and Mat's car didn't have tint so Manny, Ver and I were like chimichangas at the back seat! I say chimichanga since we had Ristra's for lunch. I couldn't finish the burrito no matter the effort - and I am still stuffed until now. The guys played Magic afterwards while I slept the afternoon away in Manny's comfy couch.

At night, I caught up with mom and aunt to catch Michael Jackson's This Is It. I am impressed. Michael Jackson is really an awesome performer.. but aside from that the movie made me think about stuff...

Reflections on This Is It

Apart from Michael's talent and dedication to his craft, what amazed me about this man is his capacity to touch people's lives. His music and his person, despite the issues that he faced, continues to inspire. I think everyone, in their most inner-self aspires to have this effect - to be an agent of change to others, to matter, to leave a legacy. Michael Jackson has obviously done this, and I felt very small watching this marvel on the silver screen.

I look back at the past twenty-three years and wonder how have I changed the lives of people? And somehow, a great sadness enveloped me upon this reflection because I remembered two people I value a lot in my life whom I think I have failed. For all my life I have been a go-getter. If I put my mind into things, I get them. There is nothing so far I have not succeeded in, save for these two people.

These two people, like me, like everyone else, want to matter. They have big dreams, a lot to prove and a lot of expectations to fulfill. They have big hearts too. I feel like a failure to these two people because I think despite showing them how they matter, it really made no difference at all...

I have 14 days left, and right now, I don't think I have enough time to change all that has happened... but I want to tell you, shoti and sleepyhead, that you both will always matter to me... I will miss you a lot.

17 Days: Movement

2009-10-29T10:49:00.004+08:00

I haven't written in ages. I think it's time to go back to writing. I'll probably have a lot of free time soon anyway.

I decided to write one entry per day before the big move to Singapore. Today is 17 days before that move - a move that I think will ultimately shape my life in so many ways.

It's a funny feeling knowing that your days are marked. Is this how an inmate feels before he walks the green mile to meet his fate? It's a calm surrender to the eventual end. There aren't a lot of questions, which I am surprised about. Simply put, there is a motion that drives you forward. It is a motion that reminisces all things past to prepare you for what is to become. It is a movement that does not trap you to history, but gives value to things that have molded the present. In the preparation to start anew, one cannot entirely scrap the markings of old. Like a roll of film, what has been captured plays one last time as the process of deletion occurs. The film shall always be the film, and what has been imprinted, though gone, has always been a part of it.

In many ways life is like this. We do not always want to go forward and yet, circumstances at times give us that extra push. When life presents us with a new beginning - we come across this process of being in-between the shift from what-is-then and what-is-to-be. I have been in this position a few times before, but unlike then, in these last 17 days I face the reality of things with more confidence and certainty. Like the inmate who steps towards his fate, each passing moment is both a surrender and an embrace to new possibilities of what lays beyond the now. It is a gift towards freedom that I am learning to value every step of the way.

Bubog

2009-10-01T00:28:00.002+08:00

Pinulot niya ang pira-pirasong pangarap ng aking puso, hinilom at ginawang buo

-i.h.lee 09/30/09

On Leaving

2009-08-19T18:39:00.003+08:00

I remember when you told me you'd be leaving for Singapore, I was both happy for you and sad. But I guess as it turns out, in a month or so, I'd be the one leaving. It hurts though cause a bigger part of me feels that you feel life is happier with me gone. I don't want to fight things anymore... I'm realizing that maybe to you all that we've gone through didn't mean anything at all.

I guess knowing that I have so little time left makes a difference with each day. Each moment spent with those people I care about becomes a lot more meaningful. Right now I just want to make each moment count and be happy with the days left here.

I wasn't really planning on going to Cebu. It was just that when I saw the Prima team, it just reminded me so much of my ABT family. And though the ABT has gone through so much in the past years - all the hurts and issues, still we are one family. Mariel reminded me that - that families stick together, and that what's great about this family is that we chose to stick by each other despite the hurts. I want Cebu to be a memorable trip. It's almost complete with just Scott missing, Edman pending confirmation, and well things blurry with Tot. But nevertheless, Casey, Kev, Jaki and Mariel are there.

We've gone through so much, but always the ABT will have a special place in my heart.

I'm spending tomorrow with Char, Annika and the rest of those friends from college that last for life. I miss them a lot.

Barkada mooncake dice game on Friday. I love my barkada. They actually spoil me a lot. Lately, I don't really tell them how much I'll miss them, or how much they mean to me... I have a lot of shortcomings with them... and I admit that I do take them for granted. I'm sorry. I wish I had more time to make it up to you guys.

Spe Salvi 5

2009-08-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

"In the end, even the “yes” to love is a source of suffering, because love always requires a denial of the “I,” in which the “I” allows itself to be pruned and wounded. Love cannot exist without this painful renunciation of the “I”; otherwise there can only be pure selfishness, and love ceases to be."

- Spe Salvi 5, In Hope We Were Saved

ZzzZZZzz

2009-07-15T22:40:00.001+08:00

sleepyhead... :(

A

2009-07-11T01:22:00.003+08:00

I just realized I love you still, and maybe I always will. It's just happy to know I care about you the way I do, and yet also accept that maybe to be in a relationship with each other is not meant to be for now.

I'm happy that loving you doesn't mean I have to be committed to you, or you to me. It doesn't mean we have to have a label, or do things that are expected, or base love on actions we do or not do, on words we say or do not say. I'm happy that now, loving you just plainly means loving you, and that for now that makes everything all right with me. It still makes me smile, like you have always made me smile.

I never knew I could love someone this much but now I know I do. It's not the typical happy ending, or maybe the ending we wanted... but it is enough because I guess love doesn't really end if it is really love.

I am not stuck in a bubble, not fixated on a single spot wherein moving on is not possible. This love doesn't hold me still in place, rather it is this love for you that makes me strong, makes things happier, and makes me look forward to life, to new adventures, and maybe to new loves.

I know you have to set on this journey alone - life without me. Yet, I hope you know that whereever life may take you or whatever it may be, you know that somebody loves you, and that somebody is me.

Why Believe?

2009-05-29T23:28:00.003+08:00

Everyday I seem to ask myself why I am the only one left believing in you. Why is it that everyone has seemed to accept that you cannot be counted on, that we cannot expect anything from you, that you're immature and selfish...

Me: But if we, the ones who know him well, the ones who care about him the most, don't believe then who else will?

Person: I've just reached the point wherein what he does doesn't matter anymore... He's choosing to be this way... Friends don't treat each other like that...

Person2: It's not that we don't believe, we just don't expect anything anymore...

Person3: It's not just you getting hurt, a lot of people complain too... he's just like a sponge sucking up everything...

Maybe it is time to open my eyes and stop believing in you... because I realize that no amount of believing, and no matter what I do... it will never be enough... the answer does not lie in me or in us, and sadly one by one people let go of you, lose faith and accept how you are. Maybe it is best that I do the same too... Maybe there's nothing left believing for...

Another Last Day

2009-05-20T20:40:00.004+08:00

I looked at you this morning with your eyebrows frumped up together in a knot, looking so serious and baffled. In your eyes I could see a pain I have always wanted to ease, and also a determination that has brought you where you are today.

Reminiscing each moment of the past month... all the stress, the jokes that made us laugh once more, the healthy lunches and the time spent... true, all those make me smile, but to see you grow each day, to prove to everyone what you are capable of and who you are and what kind of heart you have - strong amidst challenges, humble in criticism, understanding in every way... that is whay makes me proud.

It is once again nearing a last day of sorts... and though you never listen to me when I say "I believe in you", I want you to know that I believe in you...

Tomorrow when I sit there in that conference room, watching you stand infront of everybody... my heart will exclaim with pride "that is my shoti!" I hope someday you can see what everyone sees in you.

Advice

2009-05-18T18:42:00.002+08:00

ian (5/17/2009 1:46:12 AM): you have to understand that we always want to be there for the person we love

ian (5/17/2009 1:46:18 AM): but sometimes hindi lang tlga magagawa

ian (5/17/2009 1:46:30 AM): all we can do is try our best

ian (5/17/2009 1:46:56 AM): dont beat yourself up about it

ian (5/17/2009 1:47:14 AM): basta alam mo inside youre doing everything you can

Why is it so easy to give advice, and yet so hard to take your own?

Opportunities

2009-05-17T23:25:00.001+08:00

Excerpt from an email to Lao and Tj about a month ago...

--------------------------------------------

Things are fresh so it' hard to tell... it's just been tough the past days but I'm getting better. Sometimes it eats me up inside, the missed chance at another opportunity... or sometimes I question what this all means? and I don't really have an answer.

I remember Evan Almighty, and there's a particular line there wherein God (Morgan Freeman) talks to Evan's wife, Joan.

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Given this thought, what does this opportunity present me with? Did God want me to become more selfless? more patient? more understanding? or did he want me to be stronger? or did he give me once more an opportunity to love these people albeit a different way of loving them - letting go?

I try and think yet the answer fails to come.

Screaming Out

2009-05-06T22:26:00.003+08:00

It's been so long since I've seen you laugh... and so long since I've seen that smile that always brightened up my day. It's a mix of emotions. I miss the old days and yet everyday when I see that we're okay, I have to tell myself this isn't real... that this only is until the 22nd. Everyday is quite tough because of that.

So though we laugh, and joke and tell stories, at the end of the day, it's sad...

Jaki: "I miss us all"

Jaki: "I miss the people and everyone hanging out together"

Me: "As much as I want to get emo about it, I don't na"

Me: "I think I've come to accept that things are very different"

And yet there are days like today that deep inside I'm screaming out:

"I miss us!!! I miss the people and everyone hanging out together!!!"

Right now, all I want to do is leave and get away... because staying just brings false hopes and broken faiths...

Hopes

2009-04-29T22:35:00.003+08:00

I hope you are doing fine. It's been a month since we last talked? I miss you but I'm trying to be strong - and stay away... because you said "it hurts more than it helps" to be in your life right now.

I watched Babel, and I read your paper, and I know I will always be proud of you.

I hope you're fine... I hope you're happy. I'll be happy knowing that you are, that you're smiling once more.

Lemon Tea

2009-04-12T23:56:00.003+08:00

I remember the last time you were in Hong Kong. You got me lemon tea as a pasalubong. Times were different then.

Little Brothers

2009-04-02T22:40:00.003+08:00

I guess there will always be times when we get annoyed at our little brothers. There are moments that we wish they can just grow up and lose all the immaturity. Sometimes we wish we could just punch and wrack their heads crazy just so they could understand things we older brothers say. If we could sync our voices on their ipods just so we don't have to sound like a broken record everytime we give advice, then we probably would.

But even if little brothers don't listen, even if they take us for granted, even if sometimes they're just a real pain - at the end of the day, the fact remains that they are our brothers. At the end of the day, no matter how hurt or tough or painful the things they say and do, we just try to be strong, understand and forgive them. We do this not because we are obliged, not because it is a prerequisite of being an older brother - we do this because we simply love them more than we love ourselves.

Still, I Love You

2009-03-23T00:45:00.003+08:00

I feel like I have been fighting for love all my life.

At home it always seemed like a battle for positioning, as to who is the favorite kid, who was the proper family, who had more rights to be loved, who you needed to please - I'm tired of it. Sometimes I couldn't care any less.

With people who I choose to love, it seems like, it's never enough... there's something missing, some issue. Sometimes it's tiring. Sometimes I just want to stand still and see if you love me, if there was nothing I did, just be me, would you still?

I'm tired of this already. Maybe it's about time I gave up, because you did give up on me... But why am I still fighting for what we had each day? Why? When you told you have moved on, when your actions suggest disinterest, as if what we had amounted to nothing.

Sometimes it's just real hard but I am here, not for anything else, but for you, just you. I wish you would see that. I wish you would see beyond the petty fights. Beyond everything there is and just see that I love you and I always will.

I'm angry. I'm confused. Hurt. But none of that amounts to this feeling I still have, which is love. And I won't say that I wish I didn't love you - because I do, and even if there are times when it's so so tough... still nothing changes. Still I love you.

Writing

2009-03-15T17:47:00.003+08:00

I haven't written in a while and usually that would mean I'm happy. I wish that were the case. The real reason would probably be that a lot is happening right now, and I'm taking some time to make sense of it all.

In the past few months I have learned about forgiveness, regret and acceptance. It was not easy and I am still learning more about them today. Yet, I am still thankful for life and all its intricacies. It hurts but it teaches me what is right.

To Laoers.

I just want to say thank you dude. How things are is a testament to the strength of our friendship. Though it did take time for things to be okay, the important thing is that we're good. I wrote this almost three years ago and I want you to know that I still mean each word written down there.

To Shotz.

Always remember that I only want the best for you, and that I want you to be happy. I don't know what will happen next, if things will really be good. It's just that I really don't want to see you sad. It seems like each time I tried, you just felt bad. That is why maybe I am not trying anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because it doesn't do any good. I hope things will be good as you say, but that's not up to me anymore, it's up to you.

To A.

I don't know if you can read this but I want to say sorry. There are a lot of things I regret, and you deserve a lot more than the effort I showed before. You were right. I was selfish too. I just really hope you don't think I gave up on us, because I never did. I just didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I am still here though, and I want to make things right. I don't know if I ever can, or if I will ever get another chance. But if it is for the best, how things are, then I will learn to accept them.

What Do I Do?

2009-02-11T10:15:00.005+08:00

This is my puny attempt at writing lyrics for a song. I tried thinking of a melody in my head and just wrote things down.

What Do I Do?
I. H. Lee

I woke up this morning with thoughts of you in my mind
So I tried to sleep it away
When all of my words are of our pleasant times
You're speechless from the pain

When I think of you it hurts
You're not here with me right now
And when you think of me it hurts
You don't want me here right now

So what do I do?
I still think of you
And when you think of me
It's just plain to see
The only things you remember are

How we fight
How we cry
How hard we try
Just the end
Not when it begun
How things come undone

My friends ask you for words
But you're too tired for something to say
I dare not ask you how you feel inside
Cause I know it'll hurt just the same

When I think of you it hurts
You're not here with me right now
And when you think of me it hurts
You don't want me here right now

So what do I do?
I'm still missing you
And when you think of me
It's just plain to see
The only things that matter are

How we fight
How we cry
How hard we try
Just the end
Not when it begun
How things come undone

I remember the best of you
Just the best of you
No one else but you
Made me feel this way

So what do I do?
I'm still thinking
Still missing
Still loving you...

My Top 9 of 2009

2009-01-01T08:54:00.000+08:00

2009. Oh what a year you have been.

9 - December

For the longest time, December has always been a month when the saddest things happen. The trend has been there for almost 4 years now. Thank you 2009 for breaking the chain of December woes!

8 - Return to Bowling

Okay, I'm not bowling the average of 175+ like I used to.. but after a year of hiatus from bowling, I have somehow inched my way back to the sport. Joined 2 tournaments out of town as well albeit disappointing results.. still bowling is definitely the sport of choice!

7 - Cook-Offs

A new ritual for my ABT barkada... cook-offs are definitely a keeper. Started in Casey's kitchen in mid-2009, definitely there will be more pasta, risotto, desserts and a ton of marvelous recipes to dish out! Good food with good friends :)

6 - Meeting New People

2009 had a lot of new introductions - starting off with the ever so glamorous Stella Marie Alamil (clap clap clap), to new bowling peeps like Carl and Tel, to the fun Singapore colleagues in MCC. Thank you!

5 - Losing the Excess Weight

From 140 pounds down to 125 pounds :) hard work at the gym paid-off!

4 - Grecian Getaway

Chania, to Heraklio to Santorini and Athens... A week in Greece was awesome! The sights and food and good company definitely made the post-graduation MISE trip something to remember.

3 - Best Despedida & Birthday Party

Yes I puked infront of my friends, got the hot-seat and had to take a shot with each person that arrived but by far the best party I ever had!!! Thanks to my barkada, abt, admu and work peeps!!!

2 - Expatriating to Singapore

It's been 2 years or so prepping myself up for this chance and now I am here. It's a great blessing and a great opportunity. Definitely much gratitude to everyone who believed and supported me throughout.

1 - Woo-woo

Well not just Woo-woo, but what it represents. You know what you mean to me and I'm glad 2009 enabled us to start anew. I'm here for you always.

Necklace

2008-12-25T17:48:00.003+08:00

I've been wearing this necklace...
And it gives me strength to go on
Because of what it means
Because of what it stands for
Because of whom it keeps close to my heart.

Merry Christmas.

Haiz

2008-12-20T14:16:00.002+08:00

I don't want to let go but I have to... You're not happy anymore nor am I.

~~the way things were~~
~~that things will be better~~
~~that I mean something to you~~
~~that I make you smile~~
~~that you make me smile~~
~~that you will look back at everything and not regret it~~
~~you thinking I stayed for you~~
~~you care for me~~
~~i wasn't your big mistake~~

I have to... let go.

Twilight Zone

2008-12-07T01:20:00.002+08:00

Although I vowed not to watch Twilight, I did last Friday night with Inca and Acey after our chorale practice for the upcoming Christmas party. Inca asking me to watch with her (and the fact that she'll be gone come January) was one reason to go. The other was my curiosity due to A's reaction to the movie - a sort of high feeling you get after as described.

The movie was okay. I thought it was interesting enough. True, some scenes were a tad too emo for me. True again to the vast feedback that I hear about how the vampires were just too pale to blend in and not be regarded as a walking corpse, anemic or just albino-ish. But for someone who didn't read the book (I don't think I will. I don't read romance novels) and someone who heard guys bash the movie, I thought it was entertaining enough for the 170 Pesos I paid.

What I find weird though is despite the gasps for breath and the sighs of love by my fellow moviegoers, I on the other hand did not get that tingly feeling. I didn't feel the sparks of romance. No buzz or light-headed anticipation. Sure it is a movie made to target the ladies but I just thought that "hey it is something romantic, at least I should FEEL something right?".

WRONG.

Yup I did feel something all right, but it was the total opposite of romance. I just felt heavy and sad after. I pan through the scenes of the movie once more to think of the source of this feeling but nothing really stands out save for one line:

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore"

I guess maybe looking back at things (my life), I think I wish that I had the strength to stay away... not because that I didn't love... but because controlling myself maybe could have been for the best... because maybe in the end I just hurt the ones I love :(

I guess I can be excused for the emoness, after all I am writing about Twilight. Haha.

Halt the World

2008-11-19T02:46:00.003+08:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I just woke up suddenly. My head is spinning in a thousand different places yet it does not bother me as much as the heavy feeling I bear inside.

So much change has happened in this year, and I just want to shout "halt!". I miss so much of the old stuff and at this moment I feel so helpless with how tomorrow can just bring a sudden shift of events.

I spent my birthday in Berlin this year, far more grand than that of last year's celebration at Katips. But was it more meaningful? happier? The answer to that is easy.

I miss the bowling team a lot. It was a big part of my life that I did not want to let go of. But at that moment I was given a choice to be the person that I had to be, the friend that I needed to be and the brother that you deserved.

Despite not regretting my decision knowing that it was for your happiness, it doesn't make the choices I made any easier. Only if the world could have halted at some point wherein we were all happy...

Yet the world turns each day and we must keep up with it.

Casey, Kev, Scott, Jaki and Tot - I miss you guys a lot.

Thoughts of You

2008-11-09T08:07:00.002+08:00

I was thinking of you a lot today. In those passing moments wherein I would just space-out, all I see is your smiling face. The feeling inside I cannot describe. To put it in one word - bittersweet.

There's a part of me that wishes to not have these thoughts. Yet there's a part of me saying it's all I have of you now.

Definitions of a Heart Annotated in Love

2008-11-07T16:32:00.004+08:00

According to Merriam-Webster:

Heart
Pronunciation: \ˈhärt\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English hert, from Old English heorte; akin to Old High German herza heart, Latin cord-, cor, Greek kardia
Date: before 12th century

1 a: a hollow muscular organ of vertebrate animals that by its rhythmic contraction acts as a force pump maintaining the circulation of the blood b: a structure in an invertebrate animal functionally analogous to the vertebrate heart c: breast , bosom d: something resembling a heart in shape ; specifically : a stylized representation of a heart

It's weird when we get hurt most that you really feel the pain in your chest where your heart is. I guess this is why we akin a breaking heart to what is supposed to be considered a mental function. Maybe the heart works a lot when we feel this pain, or maybe it can't pump normally. Either way, this is where it hurts the most.

2 a: a playing card marked with a stylized figure of a red heart bplural : the suit comprising cards marked with hearts cplural but sing or plural in constr : a game in which the object is to avoid taking tricks containing hearts

A playing card with a stylized heart. A game in which the object is to avoid taking tricks containing hearts. This can be a reason as to why some people call love a game. - why one should play their cards right during courtship, why there is the need for strategy to win someone else's heart. I've always frowned upon people who believe that one can take their own and other's hearts like cards for play. Matters of the heart are never games.

3 a: personality , disposition heart> bobsolete : intellect

Personality. Disposition. Naive as it may seem, I believe that hearts in this case only have a primary personality. The disposition of a negative heart (i.e. a cold heart, a savage heart, a heart of stone) is merely the disguise, a defense mechanism of what the true disposition of a heart is. The primary disposition of a heart is that which loves, which is warm and open.

4: the emotional or moral as distinguished from the intellectual nature: as a: generous disposition : compassion heart> b: love , affections heart> c: courage , ardor heart>

5: one's innermost character, feelings, or inclinations heart> heart>

4 and 5 - Emotions distinguished from the intellectual nature. A dangerous definition when taken into account by the letter. A heart simply characterized by innermost feelings, ruled by emotions is a heart that goes where the wind blows. Love is not simply an inclination, a feeling of high and happiness. A true heart is one that loves amidst the loss of that high-feeling. It is a commitment to choose the other despite what the feelings of heart tell when times go rough. Because at the core of the difficulty, sacrifice, hurt, lies the choice of loving.

6 a: the central or innermost part : center b: the essential or most vital part of something c: the younger central compact part of a leafy rosette (as a head of lettuce)

The central part, the most vital part of something? That something is life. The heart tells us the tale of our lives. But shall it be a blank piece of parchment, clean and free from pain and hurt? This is what those who are afraid to love cherish - to keep the most vital part of their being protected from all harm. But what tale does this blank pavement tell - merely an emptiness that would have never been fulfilled. The heart though vital, is not something we should guard. It is a piece of pad paper filled with scribbles and erasures. And as those pages unfold, though a happily ever after may never be the ending, comfort must be found that somehow at least you tried.

I am trying to find my heart's happy ending. I hope that is enough in the end.

On Staying

2008-11-07T01:31:00.003+08:00

When things come to an end, I had always let go. And in letting go, slowly the love in me floats in time and turns into numbness. The love never leaves though, I just bury it with denial. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't think you can ever fall out of love with someone. Thus, for me I guess it's really not letting go in the strictest of definitions.

Today, again I am faced with the very fond question of letting go of someone. And though I knew senses told me to just leave and begin life somewhere else once more, I stayed. Despite much of what is being asked, I am here. Even if the change will hurt, I put myself in the face of it... because you are worth it.

It is quite interesting to note that though I have talked about what is happening to be similar to the situations of the past, in the end it is not quite so. Because despite things ending, I am staying, ready to start a new beginning with you as friends.

As with every new start, it will be scary. It will be hard. But I am ready to face this with you because I would rather have you in my life than not have you at all. Maybe in time we will find our place, together or in someone else's arms, but right now all that matters is that we have each other in this crazy journey called life.

I'm staying. I never did that with them. I did with you.

Kiss

2008-10-24T11:06:00.002+08:00

Kiss
I.H. Lee

Sweet. Nothing tasted more sweeter.
A touch unlocking the gates of my soul
A river gushing from my being
Flowing gently to yours

Your eyes were closed
Leaving my imagination
Alone to ponder
What your heart holds

My eyes opened
Forever capturing the moment
Of my willing surrender
To the angel who wasn't my own

Words and Phrases

2008-10-23T00:09:00.002+08:00

I think I posted this before. It remains to be one of my favorites. I can't write what I'm feeling right now. Usually I'd write a poem for it. But my mind is a mess and I'm tired from the day.

Forty Winks
I. H. Lee

I'll sleep the pain
Of you away
Bury the sorrow
In my fluffy feathered pillows
Cope with the coldness
Of solitary nights
By scrunching up
Under my woolly blanket

As I wake
I'll wipe my eyes dry
Of the tears cried
In my dreams
And bathe in the warmth
Of the sun's rays
Trying to forget
Your embrace

When the moon bids again
I'll sleep the pain
Of you once more
And in the morn know
That the sun
Will still shine on me
Though you are distant
With your arms around someone else

Special

2008-10-22T02:24:00.003+08:00

Fine. You're not just special. You're SUPER special haha!
Plus, every minute with you is worth 24k of gold. Crazy!

I'm really gonna miss the late night talks, but nevertheless, even if I'm far, I'm sure memories of those conversations will still make me smile like it does now.

It's Been A While

2008-10-18T23:57:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I've written down anything here. The past 3 months or so have been quite a ride.

I was fixing my picture folders in my computer, and it dawned to me how much things have changed, how much I've grown, about how some things have turned up side down, and how some things remain constant. People have come and gone, new faces and friendships have been built. The world still turns each day. The sun still rises despite the storms of yesterday.

After all that I've gone through the past years, I am still here. Tonight I am more conscious of this fact than I have ever been. Tonight, for this moment, I am standing still and in a way I look forward to the future with a little more hope than the nights of before.

Happy Birthday

2008-06-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday. I wish we could have known each other in some other way. It's amazing how you cheered me up just like that after months of sadness.

I don't know what to say but just a big big thank you. I'm gonna try my best.

Dawn

2008-06-19T22:04:00.002+08:00

"But when you lose a friend every day, it doesn't hurt so much. And I'd lost plenty of friends in my time; sometimes I thought of myself as a living graveyard..."

- Dawn, Elie Wiesel

How come it hurts like hell still? I should be used to this by now... I am a living graveyard. I am alone.

Brotherhood

2008-05-14T22:40:00.004+08:00

Lately, I don't feel like writing. I guess there are times when things are so heavy to carry that it's hard to put them down into words. But I need to start writing... I just need to.

Yesterday, we went to Gar's for a belated birthday visit. We got to the cemetery at around 8 pm, lit some candles and brought some snacks he would enjoy if he were still alive. I sat there staring at the dark glass. I couldn't see inside the mausoleum as it was pitch black. Yet I still saw his smiling face in my mind; tears still flowed down my eyes. It's been 6 months but it seems like an eternity. I still miss you Gar. I still wonder what you'd tell me if you were here. I still feel bad that you fought for life so much when I seem on the brink of giving up.

I still have no words as to how things will be with us. Despite everything, I don't know where I get the strength to hold on. No, actually I do know. It's called brotherhood. I chose a different path this time, and I never regret that choice. You are that person to me, and nothing and no one can ever change that for me.

Saturday

2008-05-03T23:54:00.003+08:00

I slept late Friday night so that half of my Saturday would be gone already by the time I woke up. I got to E-Lanes at around 3 pm to just drop off the Royce chocolates I got for the team. It was hard not going up those steps. It was doubly hard to see Jackie, and know that it would probably be a long time before I go back there again.

As I was walking towards Mary the Queen, where I planned to spend my afternoon, I got a text from the team saying "We love you Ian." I guess, they were enjoying the chocolates by then. I love the team too but it's just really hard to stay and deal with everything right now.

I didn't stay long as I expected at MTQ. The skies were getting darker and rain was imminent. At least the weather sort of went with my mood today, I positively thought. By the time I got to Promenade, it was already pouring.

I had an hour and half to spare before Ginjie arrived. I went to Fullybooked to find a good read. As I rummaged through the bookshelves, I felt like I was back in 2nd grade. I was alone and was looking solace in the library while everyone was having fun. With that thought, I left the bookstore feeling more sad than ever. I walked around and around the mall, and it was hard. Memories flashed. Happy times.

Too tired of walking, or probably it was the thinking, I grabbed an iced tea at Figaro and took a seat. This was the down point of the day that I was desperate to just let out everything I was carrying inside. I texted Ng, and called Tj, asking them if they were free later this evening. But they were busy with their own things, and it never did seem that they were that concerned so I just let it go. I texted Mat to just let things out... but then it was no use. I am alone to deal with everything here and that is how it's going to be, for the next two months at least.

Ginj rang me up and said she would be a bit late, so after resting I headed on to get the movie tickets. I regretted leaving Figaro moments later; I was lost once more and had nowhere to go.

I decided then to sit at the GH chapel. I found it useless though to talk to Him. Talking to Him meant having hope. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to have faith, in Him, nor in anybody anymore. So I just sat there, my mind a blank.

Minutes later Limgencs got my phone ringing. Ginj and Jaron came soon as well. I was glad to see them just so I could talk so someone and get my mind off things. Thanks as well to Iron Man,two and half hours of my "new" Saturday went by a little faster.

I was starving after the movie and everyone decided to just get some chow at Gerry's. I was looking at my watch... 9 pm? We chatted and had caught up on some things, but I just felt so different... I felt like I was there yet it wasn't where I belonged, where I wanted to be.

Saturdays never felt so down. I have never felt this down and alone.

Running on Empty

2008-04-29T23:44:00.001+08:00

ian: manny i have a question
ian: err sorta weird
ian: but then
ian: when do u give up on a friend?
manny: what do you exactly mean by give up?
ian: hmm to me it means
ian: not try as much as before... its like things will change
ian: it's like distancing urself
manny: well personally, it's really hard to "give up" on a person you consider as a real friend
manny: i guess that's something you have to clear up first..whether or not you consider him/her as your friend
manny: if he/she is..then i dont see any reason why you should be giving up
manny: but then again it all boils down to your definition and how you put the boundaries on friendship
ian: im sure i treat the person as a real friend
ian: but a lot has happened
ian: and nowadays, u know, it's like i don't have the confidence to tell myself that that friend is happy with me being around
ian: i mean more than the hurt of things changing
ian: we were super close before
ian: what bothers me is that...
ian: hmm take this for example
ian: isipin mo may people hold a party for the person
ian: of course he'll be happy to see everyone and all
ian: but then given the chance, its like i wouldnt want to be there... bec sa sarili ko parang alam ko hndi sya masaya... na out of place ako dun
ian: (sorry for bein abruptly weird tonight)
manny: hmm..my guess is that how you feel gives a lot on insight between your relationship with your friend
manny: the way i see it, a friend should always be able to feel secure when he is around his friends and there is no exception whatsoever to this
ian: im not anymore
ian: i mean we've been trying to work it out
ian: and really i can take the hurt and all that
ian: but.. there.. its like no matter how i try or wot i do
ian: i cant feel secure. things dont get better
manny: from how i see it, i dont think you can actually still blame yourself for whatever is happening between the 2 of you
manny: you have to seriously ask yourself why no matter what you do things dont still work out and my theory is that the other person doesnt seem to put much value into your friendship..at least not enough to actually try and work things out between the two of you
ian: and given what you say, is that a sufficient enough reason to "give up"?
manny: again, the situation where i would consider giving up on a friend is when i realize that he isnt a friend after all
ian: thanks manny.

At the End of Module 2

2008-03-15T19:37:00.003+08:00

I woke up this morning with a burning fever, and my body just literally tired. It's the last day of classes in Karlslunde, and after 2 weeks my body just shut down on me. A big shame I'm missing Communication, which the others said is the best class this module, yet I needed the rest. Hopefully, the day off will give me some time to recuperate for the closing dinner later.

Now, I'm here bunched up under the blankets in my room, having some time to think. It's quite crazy that right now I'm here in Denmark. I never thought things would have turned out this way. A year ago at this time, I was this boy who would be graduating with a path ever so unclear before me. Though, what lies ahead still seems so hazy; step by step I grow and discover new things.

Jackie and Casey both know that aside from my training and my Eurotrip holiday, these 3 weeks would be spent for me to reflect on things. In the midst of IS-LM curves for Economics, tax shields and ROI's for Investment, and the pulsating parties each night at the activity room, my mind wanders away to the decisions I will make when I come back home to Manila.

Gustavo, my Brazilian friend, asked me the other week "Yan, is there something wrong? You look sad." The thing was, I didn't really feel that down that day, but I guess I was thinking a lot... and maybe even if I didn't know it, the sadness was showing.

In most ways, I like being here in Denmark. The distance seems to lessen things that hurt. But in a few days I'll be back home and I have got no clue as to still what I would do.

I wish the answers to life's questions were easy. Life is like taking a course in uni I guess, but most times the tests you can't study for, with the only preparation being a strong spirit and previous experiences. And unlike uni where I did okay, life always seems to be flunking me.

Maybe the week in Paris will shed more light to questions I have.

Hurting to See You Hurting

2008-02-10T13:11:00.000+08:00

In times like these I feel helpless. All I have are mere words to comfort you, a pat on your back and the assurance that I'm going to be here for you as you see it through. Those seem very petty though compared to the pain I know you bear... and it hurts so much that I cannot take that pain away from you.

The past months I try to believe that somehow I helped you get along... but in those times I also felt that you were quite ashamed of me being your big brother; that the effort I put wasn't enough for you, or had made you sad instead. As much as it hurts to see you in pain, it also hurts a lot to know that I am no longer that person who you once turned to for happiness - and that I miss a lot.

I don't know how things will unfold in the next days... I do not know if that of before can be hoped to come back again... I do not know if hurting will cease (as with life's case I'm sure it never will end)... But in faith, I believe that despite the uncertainty of the future, the hopelessness of hoping, and unending pain, I will be here for you, as your friend, your brother, always.

Unfinished

2008-01-21T12:50:00.000+08:00

There are days when it hurts more than others. There are days when I just drift along. There are moments so filled with sadness. Every minute spent thinking "what went wrong?" There are times when I just want to hug you, like the last embrace before a long farewell. I try to hold on tight and refuse to give in to... actions that clearly foretell. In my mind it says let you go, but my heart doesn't want to let go...

2007 Farewells

2008-01-01T10:15:00.002+08:00

2007 was definitely a roller coaster ride... and a year of farewells.

January started with coping with the loss of a good friend of 4 years? It was tough, but then so many people were there for me: Char, Annika, Mat and Tot most especially. I got through it, and am learning to let go.

March was farewell to college, and all the fun times in Ateneo. I never did think I would miss the days of stress, but even that seem to bring fond memories. Most of all, it's the simple hang-outs during break time at SOM Mall, light conversations while walking and just the laughter of good friends that I reminisce the most.

July heralded the last day to helping a good friend, to hang-outs after work, emo moments in the car, staying up until late to do homework and to dinners or desserts out. It was good bye to looking forward to 5:00 pm, knowing that your car will be outside the office. It was tiring, but most of all it was fun.

October had to be the toughest farewell of all. Gar, went to a place better than anything else. He fought hard for us, and that love and courage will always keep me going. I still can't believe you're gone.

And lastly, December...? I don't want to think of it as a farewell yet but I'm scared it might be... You have been the best-est friend I have the past year and there are no words to describe how much I value our friendship. I hope you know that I'm trying hard to make things work, and never have I stood by anyone through so much hurt... but I am standing by you... because I know, that you are worth all this. I hope it's not farewell... but that 2008 will just be a better start.

Another year has come and in a way I'm wondering what 2008 will have in store for me.

Decembers

2007-12-23T14:47:00.000+08:00

I wish I can say on this merry merry season that I'm happy... for once, I deeply want to feel that everything is all right in the world, without worries, without hurt.

Last Friday afternoon, I went to Mary the Queen, sat down on the pew and just closed my eyes. The silence of the Church just brought a certain calm that cannot be found in any where else. Without anything on my mind, tears just welled down from my eyes.

I hate Christmas because it seems to heighten all the pain and the loneliness... and every December usually a big thing happens in my life that cuts me to pieces. Each year, it seems as if a hole is dug deeper, and I cannot find my way out of the pain.

I want to get out of this hole, but I'm tired... and I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know who to turn to...

and this Christmas, this Christmas is no different from four Christmases of before... and it's always sad...

Thursdays

2007-12-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Thursday of 2 weeks ago was hard and painful. Yet Thursday of 2 weeks after, everything seems well... It was fun, normal, like old times...

Things can only get better.

On a sad note, I keep trying to push away the thoughts of you leaving soon... but I'll just try to make most of the time left.

On Friendship

2007-12-09T16:31:00.000+08:00

Every friend declares his friendship, but there are friends who are friends in name only... A false friend will share your joys, but in time of trouble he stands afar off. A true friend will fight with you against the foe, against your enemies he will be your shield-bearer.

- Sirach 37:1, 4-5

Self Realization: On Trusting

2007-12-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

Trust. I find it that once the trust I have in a person is compromised, it is so hard to get it back.

It's hard enough that history makes me cautious about completely trusting, and now it's way worse because of how you broke the trust I have in you. You told me before "...I can never lie to you!!! If you don't want to believe me then I can't do anything anymore..." and so at that time I believed you, I trusted so much that you can never lie to me...

But then one day you did... you looked at me straight in the eye and lied. You were even so mad at me and repeated the lie so many times... and I couldn't react and tell you right then and there that I knew of the dishonesty... because it was breaking the trust I had in you into so many pieces.

and now I admit that sometimes I look at the past and am scared... If you could have lied now, maybe you were lying back then... and I look at the present and sometimes its so hard to believe all you're saying... That scene of that one single lie keeps replaying in my head... Can you really blame me?

I still remember the look you had, the strength in your indignation when you were being dishonest... and it kills me.

Black Eyed Peas, Don't Lie:
"What you gonna do when it all comes out,
When I really see you and what you're all about?"

So what you gonna do when it all comes out? You never even apologized and let it seem as if it never happened. So what you gonna do when it all comes out? Will you try and build the trust back? and I ask myself now, can the thousand little pieces become whole again?

Listen

2007-11-28T10:57:00.000+08:00

Coming out of the office the other day, I saw a car similar to yours just waiting by the street. I looked at the car for a minute or two, trying to reminisce the last time when it was you who was there waiting for me to come down. Alas, I couldn't remember... and inside I couldn't help but feel sad for some reason.

I guess the simple explanation would be that I miss time spent with you. What's worse is that time spent together lately would be mostly because of my efforts. Distinctly, I still remember the time when you asked out for a movie (TNMT). I guess it was only that time that I ever felt like my company mattered to you because it was you who initiated going out... and this was way back in March. Sometimes, I wish it would be you who would ask to just simply spend time.

It's tougher nowadays that our daily lives don't directly coincide with each other... and I simply try to make the most of each second spent, especially knowing that it'll be harder come the next year. I understand that you're busy, and yet sometimes it hurts when I feel that it's only me placing effort. It hurts when I feel like I'm the back-up plan, to everything that could come.

I don't like placing my emotions here in this blog, but I guess I'd rather do that than tell it to you... since you tell me you get hurt by what I say; worse you'll get mad at me. If I email it to you, you'll just probably lie about not reading it... all the same, it will just be me talking, with you listening, or never listening and never saying what you think

ABT Marathon 2007

2007-11-24T23:43:00.000+08:00

40 Games of Bowling

ABT Marathon '07

From 12:00 pm until 9:30 pm, it was a battle of who would last until the end of the 40th game. It was really intense come the last 5 games as all teams were jostling it out for the top places. In the end, I guess it was Casey and I's competitive spirit that lead us for the win! Yeay Casey! This was really a great tournament and really fun as well. Can't wait to defend our crown next year. Congratulatons to everyone for a superb effort.

Laban Pa, Everything's Gonna Be Alright

2007-11-19T12:58:00.000+08:00

Lunch breaks in the office seem to be my time of reflection nowadays... and this lunch break I had to just plop my head down on the table and silently wipe the tears... I just don't know how it had gotten to this stage, how all the laughter, happiness, honesty, concern and love has been slowly turning into fights, shouts, hurts, pain, lies, anger...

We've resolved things but I'm scared... things with us seem all downhill, and though I fight to go back to the top, this pain inside just heavily weighs me down... I guess that's why I'm asking for your help because I can't do this alone. I've tried... but I can't do it alone.

Mat told me: "you guys are supposed to be friends, if it's so hard to work out your differences, then maybe you have your answer right there. It maybe better for you both not to be close..."

But despite the advise, what keeps me going is that we both said we'd fight it out, that despite all the pain we've brought to each other we said "kaya pa yan, laban pa."

And so I am fighting, even if everything is so tough... even if others tell me to give up, even if before I would have given up...

This afternoon you told me "chill lang dyan, everything's gonna be aryt..." and I will believe that everything will be all right... because you believe it to be so... and I have always believed in you...

The Best Birthday So Far

2007-11-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

I guess the title says it all. It was the best birthday I've had.

I spent the morning lounging about by the pool, chilling over the sun with my best friend. After which we had pasta and pizza for lunch. After much stories, jokes and a full stomach, we ended up dozing after the morning's activities.

3ish onwards was spent with the bowling team at training. Had a crappy game but that didn't dampen my mood. Mat came early, while Nica surprised me with some yummy cupcakes. Oliver and JA popped in as well with their gift.

It was on for dinner at Katips with the team and Mat. On the ride from Ortigas to Katipunan, I managed to read the letter that Jaki wrote me. "It's the nicest and sweetest thing anyone can write", I told Mat after. I also managed to open Casey's gift which was a shirt aptly saying "Town Drunk".

ABT at Katips
10th of November 2007

Dinner was awesome. We had a whole room to ourselves, the company was great, and the food was savory. After chowing down everything, each one had a shot for well wishes. Tot brought in the laughter after downing the shot so quickly which caused him to cough and turn red.

The gang went to Banapple for dessert and boy was their Super Caramel a DESSERT! Tried my birthday luck at poker afterwards but I guess as they say "the house always wins" ; meaning Scott wracked in the chips.

Going home, had the usual chat with Tot... and it was all about thanks and wondering as to how for the first time in 22 years, that November 10... didn't feel like just any other day... but a little more special.

Thanks you guys.

The Irreplaceable Hue

2007-11-08T12:14:00.000+08:00

My excitement could not be hidden this week. Keeping busy with my birthday plans with the bowling team, the barkada and my family has kept me preoccupied. I remember chatting with Tj for Sunday's plans, about how we'll get pizza and have the barkada over, play wii and sing the night away. In my mind the picture of a fun day was starting to form.

Like a grand painting waiting to begin, all the materials were in place for Sunday's celebration. I was smiling, my fingers tapping away on the keyboard as the plans went on and yet a single thought made me stop. It was as if the painting would never be finished all of a sudden; the painter realizing that he is missing one single color. It dawned upon me that for the first time in years Gar wouldn't be there, and he was the single irreplaceable hue that made my painting complete.

The tapping of the keyboard slowed down, the smile faded and tears welled up in my eyes. This birthday Gar wouldn't be here to celebrate it with me and the anticipation swiveled 360 degrees into emptiness. I cried. For the nth time I cried for Gar and I cried for myself, knowing that I too have lost a part of my being in his death.

I miss you Garrick. I miss you a lot. I know no birthday wish can bring you back to us. I know no birthday party can replace the smile that you bring. I miss you Garrick and I will always miss you.

In the end, I decided for a change of plans. The barkada and I are spending Sunday afternoon at Manila Memorial. I guess it is the closest thing that we can do to feel that you're here with us Gar. Maybe the painting will end up okay on Sunday, not as nice, never as complete yet still finished... and the painter continuing to paint as he learns to find strength in the hue that was lost.

Advance Celebrations

2007-11-07T23:27:00.001+08:00

It's just November 7 but I guess it's never too early to start celebrating. The four birthday celebrants, me, Tin, Fred and Martin treated the coordination team out for lunch today at Dencio's. Food wasn't so awesome, plus I think the portions are getting less but even that couldn't dampen the party mood.

Come dinner I met with my other fellow MISE trainees. We haven't really hung-out since after Singapore so this was such a crazy night to just catch up on stories, gossips and what-nots. Kaye, was as usual late because of the tons of work at MCC, leaving me, Jade, Mariel and Shermz to the mercy of flaming cheese of CYMA. We had to order another serving since we finished it before Kaye could come. After minutes of waiting, Kaye comes in with a cake in hand and they all start to sing "Happy Birthday". Usually I'd get embarrassed (as this was in a restaurant and a scene like that would turn eyes towards me) but this time I was utterly surprised... and just happy for my friends thoughtfulness. Thanks you guys.

Definitely a great way to start off with things for this weekend. I'm giddy and excited. I think this will be one happy birthday after all!

On Losing Mementos

2007-11-04T15:58:00.000+08:00

Ver: I lost my wallet last night
Ian: How sad... a lot of memories in there. I know you kept a lot of things in your wallet
Ver: Yeah... Gar's card was there
Ian: Sometimes we lose trinkets of what we hold dear, just so that all the more can we keep it closer to our hearts.
Ver: You sound like Dumbledore

A Smile from Heaven

2007-10-19T13:03:00.001+08:00

It's your smile that will keep me smiling all throughout my days

It's your strength that will keep me moving thoughout the challenges I face

It's your love that will keep me loving

Your memory that will keep me going

Rest in Peace Garrick

You made the world such a happier place

Thoughts From A Cubicle

2007-10-08T12:48:00.000+08:00

It's lunch break in the office right now...

and for the past four and a half hours, it has only been you in my mind... haiz.

The Little Viking Man

2007-09-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

I guess I was more excited of coming back than anyone else... and yeah, I was excited to play Santa with the stuff I bought and just see the smiles on my friends faces...

Though some people did disappoint me, I mean, I haven't seen them in 2 weeks and talked but they act as if there was nothing to miss at all... Jaki just turned everything around with her post... (you can click the word "post" in this entry to see it or click "The Li'l Viking Man" on the side bar)

Super made me smile Jaki, and just for that and for having a great friend like you, I'd rather be back here than anywhere else in the world :)

Happy Birthday Tot

2007-09-28T00:18:00.000+08:00

Okay it's not the best picture but it does speak of the good times...

and the best times this past year was spent with you. Cheers.

So much to say, no words to say it.

But I'm sure you get how emo this is.
So no need for words... I'm sure you get it.

Happy Birthday.

Last Night at Karlslunde

2007-09-23T09:33:00.000+08:00

It's my last night in the Kursus Centre in Karlslunde. I just saw my Brazilian roomy, Andre, to his cab as their flight would be early this morning. Officially, the first module of MISE has ended and surprisingly sadness dawns on me.

True, it wasn't always a happy day everyday. Being sick with cough due to the cold weather, the very hectic schedule, and the differences between cultures and personalities did take its toll... but at the end, it is the fond memories that I remember and will keep until another module commences.

It's sad seeing the Brazilians go... Andre, Carolina, Natalia and Gustavo... they were always the bunch who made me dance, and drink and smile. Things feel a bit empty now here without them.
I wish you guys the best and cheers for a really great time... more so, I feel blessed to have known you guys. Go Brazil!

*will update regarding my 2 weeks in Denmark in the coming days...

The Best

2007-09-04T23:35:00.000+08:00

We always talk about how we wish it was like before... and why won't we? Before it was all happy and fun.

You told me that if you could turn back time you would... and a few days ago, if you had that power, I would have probably said "please do" so that things wouldn't hurt and be hard.

But right now, I realize that the present might not be that bad after all... Today even if things are tough, you still stick by me... you always try to make things better... you're still here and haven't left.

I always looked at it in a way that things weren't strong because things changed... now, I realize that what we have is strong because despite those changes, we still try to be there for each other.

I may not often tell you this but thank you... Thank you for being the best.

Which House?

2007-08-29T22:49:00.002+08:00

My barkada is funny as of late. Some of them haven't gotten over the Harry Potter craze despite that last page of the sage coming to an end. Potterheads, they call themselves. Don't get me wrong I like Harry Potter, but maybe not just head-over-heels like them. But just to be united in my barkadas love for Harry, I shall dedicate this post to HP and be a Potterhead for a night.

I've seen those sorting hat games online but I never really took them. Well didn't Dumbledore say that it's what's in your heart that counts? Harry was also suited to be in Slytherin but he chose Gryffindor. I have to admit, it is really interesting; the thought of which house you'll be placed into if ever there was such a thing like a sorting hat... and I can't help but wonder where I would go or should go.

If I were to objectively think about it I'd say I'd be placed in either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor (of course who doesn't want to be in Gryffindor?) but personally, I would think it would be quite interesting really to be in Slytherin. The mystique, the darkness, the power... I find it all captivating! Plus, green was always my color! So if I had a choice, I'd probably choose Slytherin! (Though the dungeons as the location of the house seems kinda sucky right?) . I don't take to snakes too well but I think Mat will disagree on that, right Mat? Haha

Well, enough of being a Potterhead, it's sleepyhead for me now. Ciao!

ilee110.livejournal.com

2007-08-27T00:48:00.000+08:00

Goodbye to pouring-my-heart-out entries for the whole wide world to see. I decided to make some parts of my life, a little more private. Therefore, my LiveJournal is functional once more and you can access it at the link on the menu of this blog.

See nothing new there? Then it may just mean that you're not supposed to see it. If you do, then it probably means that a) you have an account in LJ and b) you're a friend that I trust.

No worries though because I'm still sure to keep this as my primary blog, just that emo entries will be posted over there. I'm sure you're tired of the emo stuff anyways.

Worse Than The Worst

2007-08-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

Nothing compares to the hurt of seeing your friends hurting... somehow the hurt I feel now when I see them sad just stabs me more than the usual dose of sorrow... It makes me feel so useless, so helpless... It's hard knowing the people I care for are hurting... and there's nothing I can do but try to cheer them up with my useless words... but I could see it doesn't get through, that it doesn't ease their pain...

How is it that when you guys cheer me up, I always feel better... but when it's you guys who are down, I just can't seem to lift your spirits up? I just want to see you guys all right... see you guys happy... but I don't know how to do it... if I could take that hurt I would... if only...

It Always Goes Together

2007-08-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love hurt fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love fun laughter joy glee happiness snicker friendship care generosity memories brotherhood cheerful bliss concern glad thoughtful affection ecstatic fondness loyalty tenderness devotion honesty sacrifice hopes dreams love

Faith in You

2007-08-22T00:11:00.000+08:00

Hold Tight
by I. H. Lee for S. OT.

Hold tight
Don't let go
Grasp my hand
Tighten your hold
Don't slip away
Hold on to hope
I won't let go
I won't let go

Hold tight
Don't close your eyes
Hand in hand
We'll survive
Don't disappear
It will soon be through
You're not alone
You're not alone

Hold tight
Don't break apart
Pull my hand
Try to stand
Don't remain
Learn to move on
Lead the way
Lead the way

I've always believed in you... always.

Rain

2007-08-19T13:20:00.000+08:00

A little poetry for your rainy days. This was written for the Hong Kong Baptist University Poetry Writing Competition '05, which consequently was awarded Top 5 Best Poems.

Rain
by I. H. Lee

The icy drops trickle on my bare arms
Yet I do not flinch, not an instant alarmed
Standing, drenched, I do not move
I embrace the rain

Quizzical stares dart at this man
Who in God's grief, his moves are none
There upon the granite his feet lay
Kissing the tears of heaven's dismay

Of gusting winds, he fears no cold
A million storms have passed untold
Of thunderbolts, he dares not sigh
For roaring truths have hushed the lies

As raindrops trace my solemn eyes
Heaven's woe mixes with mortal pain
And as this liquid unites skin and sky
I have embraced the rain

Love Actually...

2007-08-14T16:16:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning with my head spinning. My temperature was burning and though I wanted to go to work... I just gave up after trying to stand. It felt like my head was ten times more heavier than my body that I just couldn't balance it.

So I called the office and told Yuness the pending stuff I had from yesterday... I felt bad putting my work on their shoulders... and I really tried to even go after lunch but my condition didn't improve; so I just stayed home.

With nothing better to do at home (couldn't study because my head was hurting bad) and nothing to see on the teli, I just figured I'd plop Love Actually in the player... (feel good movie I thought...)

and after the film I just realized how freakin' sadistic I am because it's as if I didn't feel bad enough, now I feel worse because of that sappy (yet good) movie...

"Worse than the total agony of being in love...?"

Yes I agree, not even this headache can top top that...

Star-y Birthday

2007-08-12T12:32:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Jackie

Stars
by I. H. Lee for J. Tanliao

Stars up in the midnight sky
Twinkling ever so bright
Stars here in my life
Making everything all right

Just look up and look around
Know that there is a star to be found

Words cannot describe the beauty and brilliance of a star... but somehow, a simple glimpse at it takes your breath away and then you understand everything... even if nothing is said. Thanks Jaki.

Haiz

2007-08-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

I didn't write for a week... because there are things you just can't write about, especially if those things hurt.

These days I try to forget about it... but admittedly it's hard. These days things seem okay, and yet the questions I had were never answered... we didn't even fix it.

I duno where things are headed... and a part of me tells me maybe just slowly let go... because maybe you have let go a long time before and you never even noticed that you did, and it's probably the reason why you changed towards me...

I'm not gonna bring it up anymore, not talk about it until you do bring it up... but despite all these a part of me believes you... and hopes and hopes against all hopes... could it be tomorrow, or rather later? If not, then I'd say I should stop hoping...

(I probably will use livejournal once more, just so I could make posts like these viewable only for friends...)

The Last Day

2007-07-29T21:53:00.000+08:00

I drank the last of the lemon teas you gave me this morning. I gulped it down without either the usual feeling of happiness or sadness; the only reason why I drink that lemon tea. But rather, this time I drank it feeling a bit of hope. Little did I know that it was a premonition for things to come…

I’m always glad to see you when we meet up. Somehow, just the sight of you lightens up everything, and the worries of the world seem to vanish along with smiles we greet each other with. And so I thought today would be like any other day that we meet up, and yet the surprise just came out of the blue:

“This is your last day”, you nonchalantly told me. And it sounded so cool and casual that to you it was just a notice for me for the end of the academic help I had given and grown accustomed to over the past months. I knew it would come sooner or later, the time wherein all this would end… but I must admit I didn’t expect it to be this soon.

In reply, I smiled back at you and didn’t say anything, even if the sadness was slowly swelling inside me already. To keep the sorrow at bay, I rationalized that it is the best for you for I couldn’t possibly compare to a person with a degree on that subject, and I understood that your mom probably feels so embarrassed already with me always helping you almost thrice a week.

Sometimes after a hard day’s work, somehow I think of what it would be like if I just head home and rest. But despite the fatigue, stress and lack of sleep, I was never happier than to know that I was being there for you when you needed me. Though my body complained, the time spent with you more than compensated for any good night’s sleep.

And this coming week, I will no longer get a miss call from you after office hours. I will no longer stand outside to wait for you while your car passes to pick me up. I won’t hear your stories, or see how your day went (if it was “just normal” or not). We won’t eat dinner together… or joke around while we try to decipher the accountant’s secrets and the statistician’s sordid ways. There won’t be emoness in the air and everything… everything will just seem bleaker.

“This is your last day.” To you it was just the end of my help, but to me it probably would be the end of how our lives crossed… Yes, we will still be there for each other, but the time we have together now has gone… I will miss everything, terribly miss everything, even down to the corniest of our jokes and the deepest of our conversations…

This was my last day… and I could never have been happier for the time you gave me… and yet pardon me, but it is the sadness of knowing that those days will be gone that envelopes me right now.

And now looking back, I wonder as to the meaning of hoping as I drank the lemon tea this morning… had it really been for hope? Or was it for the sorrow I now feel?

Another Adventure: July 18

2007-07-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

Being inducted formally as a Maersk MISE trainee begun last July 18 and it was a crazy ride until the 22nd. Here was how the first day went:

July 18, Tuesday
I didn't get much sleep as I had to help out shoti with some school stuff. Also, I had to do some last minute packing which in turn left me with only 3 hours to doze off. The flight was so early, and did it even surprise me that Shermz and I were one of the last ones to arrive the airport? It didn't feel like anything special as the journey into this whirlwind program started. There was no jitters, no frills, no... no nothing. "Was it the calm before the storm?", I asked myself inquisitively. But, even the usual feeling of fear didn't creep up.

"ZzZzzzZZ" was what happened during the flight. Plus some chuckles due to the hilarious "Blades of Glory" playing on the overhead TV. After 3 and half hours, I landed once more in Changi where I just came from a month ago... I can't help but tell Shermz that somehow "this feels like home..."

There was no stopping now as we headed on for the ferry bound to Bintan, our first destination for the first days of the induction. The boat ride was nauseating but the company more than made up for it. I hung out with Vik, Lawrence and Felicia until we set foot on the sands of Bintan.

Arwana Beach, Bintan

"This feels like the Philippines", Shermz, in her usual shermzy self said when we strolled around the resort. I couldn't have agreed more... and yet unlike the Philippines, the place was only a disguise as it didn't hold the important parts of me - family? friends? history? memories? but then this new place was offering me new opportunities.. maybe to find that in my future.

Sun bathing, beach walks, beach volleyball and a dinner feast; all of which made a fitting welcome start to this 2 year journey. And at the end of the day, I slept soundly, knowing that maybe this crazy shipping world would actually be a world where I can find me.

Emo Overload, So What Else Is New?

2007-07-16T17:04:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. My body is, after just 4 hours of sleep. I'm emotionally tired too.

The thought just occurred to me of how I can't understand friends when they go:
"I didn't ask you to do that, be there for me, sacrifice, go that extra mile or whatever..."

But isn't that what friends are all about? You give up so much without being asked or without requirement just because of the fact that you care... and it's sad when in the end when you get blamed for simply being a friend.

Another downside is... sometimes people can just take you for granted when they know you're going to be there for them even without asking:
"I did say it was your choice afterall, and you chose to be there..."

At this point, you feel that you've been drawn into an emotional blackmail. You can't back out because you care... but on the otherhand you feel quite used...

It might just seem trivial but I do miss of how you were back then. I came across the old messages since my inbox was full, and it just hit me how now you've become less thoughtful? There are times even when you forget to say "thanks". Maybe you just have been more comfy nowadays with the friendship, knowing I'll always be there for you when I can... but in a way there's a part of me that feels taken for granted... a little used... and forgotten. Can I be blamed when I feel that our friendship right now exists because I can help you?

~~I hope you give me a reason to think that it's not just about utility.~~ I miss the old you, the thoughtful you. But maybe you can't be blamed... Maybe I showed you that I wasn't worth that much, that you were worth more to me. Maybe you feel that I had so much more to lose if I wasn't there for you, thus you take me for granted. And the sad fact about this is that I think it's true... it probably won't make a difference to you if I were gone.

I hate bein effin emo... Now those people who read my blog and who don't know me too well prolly think I'm crazy... (I just don't feel the need to write about the happy stuff. I had a blast last Saturday... Maybe I'll write about that when the pics are uploaded.)

Hello Singapore on Wednesday... I need you so much!!!

Ending the Wondering

2007-07-15T17:19:00.000+08:00

To answer Wondering Part I:
It's not that I didn't want to go or couldn't go, I just didn't want to put any effort anymore... because I know I'd get hurt... and I don't know what I mean to you...

But for all it's worth, I appreciate the effort you put in wanting to see me... well I did ask out as well, so I guess we both did what we can... it's just that prolly things we're possible before because I didn't mind going out of my way for you...

So now I guess things come down to convenience, to availability, to when we're free... I'm not putting any effort anymore. I'm not going to find happiness, just simply knowing that you're happy... I guess it's time you step up the plate and change things. The way you just placed things aside, and placed my feelings aside for how many months knowing you could have done something about it, I'll never forget that. Thinking like nothing ever happened and letting time take its course won't change all that.

You mean a lot to me, but I won't let you take any part of me anymore.

Wondering

2007-07-12T21:30:00.000+08:00

Looking back, I'm wondering whether I didn't go because it was inconvenient for me, or because if it was you who was placed in the same inconvenient situation; you wouldn't make any effort for me. I'm wondering whether I didn't go because I had a prior engagement, or if I just used that as an excuse to not see you at all.

I'm thinking about it, not because I regret not going. I'm thinking about it because I probably miss you right now. And it will always be hard when that happens because I will probably always miss you and I'll get hurt each time. The thought doesn't bring me down like it used to though.. No, it's not sadness... as Jaki says "it's neither this nor that..." It's a mix of disappointment, fear, doubt and yet at the same time a part inside of me cries out loud saying "there's hope... give it another shot..."

But amidst all this wondering, all this uncertainty of feelings... there is one thing I still know, you still mean a lot to me., that I doubt that would ever change...

The Joyluck Club

2007-07-08T20:31:00.001+08:00

Coming home today, I turned on the teli and The Joyluck Club was on. I hate watching this movie just because it makes me so sad... and it always gets to me... and yet, I love it all the same...

"Every time you hope and I can't deliver, it hurts..."
- June, The Joyluck Club

Alone

2007-07-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

This was one of the first poems I wrote... It is also the first of my works to be published in our high school publication (Stallion) though I started to compose this back when I was grade six... Funny how the feeling hasn't changed since then....

Alone
by I. H. Lee

I walk down life's road all alone
No one is there; I'm on my own
Through the worst alone I stand
Not a one reaching out his hand
Tears fall, I cry alone
No one hears me sob and moan
Alone a smile won't appear
All I feel in loneliness and fear
Alone there is no one to love
No one to share gifts from above
I feel cold as winter's snow
My heart hardens, my blood stops its flow
No shine beyond darkness' night
My hope dims, I have lost sight
I pave the way without a guide
Not a one by my side
In this life I walk alone
With no one, I'm on my own

Another You

2007-07-06T00:51:00.000+08:00

So many times I was alone I couldn't sleep
You left me drowning in the tears of memory
And ever since you've gone, I found it hard to breathe
Cause there was so much that your heart just couldn't see
A thousand wasted dreams rolling off my eyes
But time's been healing me and I say goodbye

Cause I can breathe again, dream again
I'll be on the road again
Like it used to be the other day
Now I feel free again, so innocent
Cause someone makes me whole again for sure
I'll find another you

Halt

2007-07-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should stop blogging...

Lemon Tea and Me

2007-07-01T18:56:00.000+08:00

Did you know that VITA Lemon Tea, launched in 1979, is the first ready to drink lemon tea in the world? It also happens to be one of my favorite drinks from Hong Kong. Lately, whenever a relative or a friend goes to HK and asks me what I want, I'd usually ask them to buy me a pack of this.

I remember my dad being weirded out last year by my request (1 pack of VITA Lemon Tea and VITA Chocolate Milk) but then again, he smiled saying, "Well, at least you're not asking anything expensive like new shoes."

Then last May, shoti thoughtfully brought me home a pack when he had gone around China for vacation. It has been two months since but I still have one piece left in the fridge. As I told Shotz, because of the limited supply, I only drink the lemon tea on two occasions: 1) when I'm extremely happy and 2) when I'm really down.

Why and what's so special about this drink you may ask? It probably just gives me loads of fond memories from my time at Hong Kong. Think of it as ice cream in some sort; either if you're glad or lonely, it gives you the right fix. For both occasions, I have to say this drink does it for me.

Out of the 5 packs I've had for the past two months, three of them were spent to help me get back on my feet while the other two was for just great moments. I wish I could remember but sadly, I've been getting forgetful. I do remember the last drink though since it was about two weeks ago? I had one because things were getting back as they were... things were looking to be more positive :)

There's one more tetra pack sitting in the fridge, I hope it'll be gone because of good reasons.

But then again, dad's leaving for HK this coming 9th, so I guess I'll have more stock just in time!

Honestly...

2007-06-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

Friday was a great day for league and just to be with the team. Despite missing the dinner with the CS department, going to E-Lanes definitely was worth it. Tot had a really fantastic game, which pulled us through to 3rd place in the league standings. It was our first time to score on each set, and the second week that we garnered 6 points. Moreover, it was just nice to hangout with Tot and Jaki after such a hectic week, and also the rest of the team too.

Going home from E-Lanes, I knew today (Saturday) was going to be loads different. Certain stuff on my mind bothered me already before I slept... and waking up this morning, I started the day awfully with my convo with Mat. I duno what to think of the problem really... I'm not being "martyr", it's just that probably I duno whether I should still go out of my way again... Probably I'm still hurt about stuff... maybe the thought of what happened still gets to me...

Later at Greenvalley, things turned for the worst. I just wanted to throw my ball away... My patience was really low and was so frustrated about bowling... and some other stuff. Maybe I thought bowling would ease all the confusion... but it really didn't help.

And it didn't help as well that shoti was having a bad day too... because it made me feel so useless that I couldn't help... He probably needed time alone, but I sorta felt pushed-away... and since my day was going bonkers just the same... I didn't handle things well again... I wish I could just be better, and stronger for shoti... but sometimes, I need shoti to be there for me too...

I duno but today the worst feeling I had was when I felt that people are just there when they need me... need me for school, for help, for this and that.... I really don't count the times that I help but maybe sometimes I'm afraid that's all that I'm about... helping people? Being liked because I help a lot? That friendship with people revolve around the help I give, and without that... I'll just be forgotten...

Lately I just miss hearing "Hey this happened to me" or "I had a great day" or "I'm sad because". I guess I miss friends that can just ask me "How are you feeling? What's the problem?" so that I don't have to go and say "I have a problem." I guess I just miss people who just want to talk or hang-out for no reason at all, and the reason just being that they enjoy my company.

I guess those are my insecurities as of late, and it's quite hard writing about them. But despite that I guess in a big way I also fear losing the helpful side... because maybe without the help I give, or without being nice... I'll just be alone.

P.S.
This post is quite personal and if you do read it, please just keep it to yourself.

First Week at Work

2007-06-24T00:52:00.001+08:00

The past week was my first week at Maersk Filipinas. For my first rotation I was assigned under the customer service department and come Monday, I was shipped right away for hands-on training by our Singapore colleague Eileen. The first day, I must admit, was quite tough. I felt that my brain couldn't contain anymore all the info about shipping, i.t. systems and everything I was learning so far. Come Wednesday though, which was the last day of training, I found work to be enjoyable and interesting. Thursday and Friday were spent learning about shipping history, basic shipping business processes and the like through online courses in the office.

But the first week wasn't all serious business. I was able to spend Monday dinner with Maersk Phitop (country head or simply the "big boss") Jesper Larsen and the other senior MISE trainees at Circles. It was fun to hear about their experiences, and I'm really quite excited for our modules now. Lunches on the other hand was spent with Ma'm Melissa and the other MCC trainees whom I really got to know. Also it was fun reminiscing my Singapore holiday with Eileen. She even said she'd bring me to Bun Tong Kee once I go back to Sing in July! Back in the PBCom Office on Thurs and Fri, I was able to catch up with Shermz and Kaye, plus lunch with Angeli and Inca.

It's nice also that I still get to do stuff even after work. Tuesday, I still played at the league at Powerbowl. Wednesday was spent with shoti and accounting and stat stuff. Friday was league wherein we got a total of 9 points!!! Great game Jaki and Tot!!! XD

I know this coming week will be busier and tougher but I'm sorta excited all the same. Plus I'm getting my first paycheck at the end of the week!!!

Simply Singapore

2007-06-17T22:43:00.001+08:00

I never thought I'd be able to go to Singapore along with Casey, Scott, Uncle Stu and Tot. First, my passport was misplaced at home and I couldn't find it... But one night while talking to Casey, I told myself, "I want to go to this trip." and lo and behold after weeks of looking for it, I found my passport in a span of 30 minutes. The challenge didn't end there though as I realized that my passport had already expired... and so against all odds I went to the DFA to renew it and was shocked to have actually gotten it in a span of a day. Thus, my Singapore journey began!

There are so many things to remember from this trip. The bowling at the Singapore Sports School was intense. Our shopping spree was as intense as well as we trudged down Sim Lim, Bugis and Orchard. We also had our misadventures as we often got lost. But nonetheless I guess the calories we shaved from walking was more than compensated by the array of yummy food!!! Chai Siu, roast duck, chicken rice, Japanese buffet... I'm still trying to lose all those pounds.

At Double O with Phyllis

Of course out of the memories there were the highlights like riding the g-max with Tot and Case. Watching our video was hilarious. We screamed our hearts out. Plus, it was most definitely great to relive HK night life when we partied the night away with the NTU peeps at Double O. Those really made Singapore simply superb.

Nonetheless though the food, city and everything is at its best, it wouldn't have been a blast if not for the people I was with. Uncle Stu as always really took care of us and made sure the trip was everything that we looked forward to. Scott was his usual funny self, while Casey was the perfect Shopping buddy. Tot on the other hand will always be Tot who never fails to make me happy.

I wish times like these would never end...

Right Now...

2007-06-13T14:25:00.000+08:00

Going home yesterday shoti told me about how he's a bit scared for school's first day. Today I realized I too am in the same boat as he was considering that work starts tomorrow. I guess it's only natural to be afraid... afraid whether I made the right choice, afraid whether I'd hack it and all the other possible imaginable scenarios thereto which are available for my mind's anxiousness.

Plus, I guess aside from worrying about work, I'm worried about other stuff right now as well... it won't take a genius to notice that based on my recent posts in this blog. In some ways though I feel that now is the chance for me to be strong and pick myself up from the rubble of the past month, now is the time for me to prove who I am and who I want to be... and most importantly now is that time for me to show how important some people in my life are...

I'm trying... I really am...
Hope.
Just hope.

The Worst Bro

2007-06-12T02:03:00.000+08:00

I miss joking around. I miss the strikes = beers. I miss pairing up in poker or mah jong... and singing emo songs in the car with our fave light rock radio station in tune...

I miss you dragging me to battle it out at mario kart, and the way you gloat when you beat me at it... and how you still seem to enjoy when I beat you at air hockey...

More than all that, I miss making you happy... I just want to see you laugh again. I just want to cheer you up once more. I just want to know that somehow I make things easier...

I guess lately you use the word "ahya" less and less... and maybe that is because I haven't really been one to you the past month... maybe I deserve all this worry, guilt and hurt... for being a sucky brother... :`(

Guilt

2007-06-10T22:56:00.000+08:00

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

Today I realized how hard it was for you to bear all the hurt of thinking that you make someone sad... I didn't realize how much it hurts you.. I was stupid and insensitive.

Now I feel so guilty, because I now know that I hurt you a lot and that it was so hard for you... the weight of the pain is heavy... and what more hurt can there be knowing that you caused someone you care about so much sadness?

I guess that was how you felt when I was sad.. and now that I know that I caused your sadness too, it hurts me a lot because you have been nothing but the best to me...

I'm sorry and I don't know how to make you feel better. I'm sorry and it feels like even if I tell you all these, it wouldn't ease your pain... I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for making you feel as if you're the worst when you're not...

I don't know how to make you see how much you mean to me... but you do mean a lot to me. If not I won't still be here trying to stand by you... I just hope you see that and that in time you'll believe that I am okay... and happy... because you're around.

Sincerely,
Seriously Guilty

--------------------

The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes
- Snow Patrol, Signal Fire

Unwinding at Powerplant

2007-06-01T01:43:00.000+08:00

Going out with Casey, Jaki, Scott and Angelo today took my mind off things :)

I've been in Powerplant so often this summer frequenting Power Station (DMX, Mario Kart and basketball!!! I never get tired of those), the theater, Power Bowl or just hanging around. Tonight's dinner was at Sumo Sam. Casey opted to go for a ramen while the rest of us chowed on this set platter for 4 people consisting of sashimi, kakiage, tempura, yakitori, beef teppan and oysters. I can't believe Scott, Jaki and Angelo weren't crazy about sashimi but I guess it left more for me hahahaha. Also, Case and I both liked the green iced tea so we sorta drank too much of it! After, I was so full. I think it was more from the iced tea though than from the food.

After games of basketball and DMX, I caught Pirates 3 for the second time with them. For a person who doesn't like watching movies in the theater twice, Pirates still turned out okay. I was still captivated by the initial scenes of the movie wherein the boy led the song for the brethren to heed their call. That would probably be my favorite part. This time too, I realized how great Geoffrey Rush was as Captain Barbosa. Two thumbs up for him for superb acting. Lastly, I think I sorta got a theory as to the meaning of Calypso being released... but then again I'm still blurry about it all.

All in all, I'm just glad I got to unwind a bit... but it's hard going home 'cause when I'm home and alone I sorta then worry about what it is I'm worrying about... Haiz.

20 Things

2007-05-31T01:06:00.000+08:00

20 things you might not know about me:

1) Mad TV never fails to make me smile
2) When I'm listening to rocks songs I'm sad
3) Contrary to eating your blues away, I eat more when I'm happy
4) I have a big big collection of X-Men comics
5) I cried when I watched Treasure Planet and Finding Nemo
6) I have gone through 2 operations: appendicitis and leg tumor
7) I still watch anime (loser? haha)
8) I love OTH and Heroes
9) Wish milk tea was popular here (miss it terribly)
10) I sorta know how to dance
11) Vanilla and Green Tea are my fave ice cream flavors
12) I do sing in the shower
13) When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer
14) I currently use Armani Code and Davidoff Cool Water for my perfume
15) Fave pasta in Cibo? Linguine Ala Ghiotta
16) I was fat back in grade school (XL size)
17) I think "taray" look on girls are sexy aka "Lucy Liu look"
18) I'd go for sports and fighting games than rpg (no patience)
19) On a gimmick, it's a no-no to go eat fast food
20) They say I used to have an accent when I speak

Job

2007-05-29T03:40:00.000+08:00

Today I made the decision that will carve out the next years, if not the rest of my life. Today, I took a job.

After many months of passing resumes, going through interviews, scanning job street, receiving phone calls... it has all finally ended. Probably I'm to blame for all this drama about choosing, but can you really blame me knowing that every dream, hope and expectation rests on this single decision? When Jollibee offered me a place in the company months ago, I thought my life was set. But after some thought, I realized it may not be for me... and so the journey went on with L'Oreal, Monde, Siemens, PDS.. of which some offered me a spot as well... but then today it all ended when I signed with Maersk.

and with this decision I have to apologize first to my mom, whom I know I will leave for the next couple of years... but I hope that this sacrifice pays off so that we may soon have a better life. All I am working for, striving for is just to see that we can be okay and sorry that it has to be through this circumstance.. but rest assured your hopes and dreams for me will be the strength that I know will make me do the best that I can so as not to waste this opportunity.

Grow Old With You

2007-05-15T03:56:00.000+08:00

There was this moment for a job interview with Company MN wherein I was asked: "Are you dating?"

Haha I sort of blushed at her question but regained composure and said, "Well, not now really since I think my heart is somewhere far away."

"Really?" she smiled back at me. "So I guess you've got someone long-distance then."

"It's complicated" I replied.

"Hmm like the status in Friendster!" and we both laughed at her remark.

and I guess at that spontaneous moment, I realized that I really did keep you in my heart all this time... even if it was never us, even if I never blatantly confessed... In my mind it was always you that I knew could fill that void. Yet I always knew it was never possible. Distance alone wouldn't even dare me to try since I knew you needed someone to be there for you always. You needed someone you could run to and hug during those chilly nights, or someone you can cry to when you're feeling bad. Plus, the hurt, the inaction, the lack of initiative and my insensitivity had already hurt you before even when we were together.

But a part of me also probably secretly hoped, that even if I'm so far away, maybe, just maybe I can make you happy. Maybe I could try once more, and just trust that in the future things will bring us back together... not just as good friends but more than that. Somehow I felt that if given another chance, I could make you happy... that you need not fear of depending too much on me because I would make you my world.

Even so as I hoped, I guess it wouldn't be too long until someone sees you're beauty... and I just found out that someone did... and I'm happy and I wish that he treats you right and makes you his world... and yet at the same time my world dimmed and seemed to already be less hopeful...

Ever heard of Adam Sandler's song called "Grow Old with You"? It was only you who I pictured myself singing that to, or rather making that song a reality by... I guess now it will all be a pleasant yet painful memory.

I never had regrets loving you... I just wished I showed you sooner...

Summer Camp Syndrome

2007-05-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

kristl: u know the summer camp syndrome?
ian: hmm havent heard of it
ian: wot is it?
kristl: no i just noticed it
kristl: like when ur in summer camp u feel like ull be super close with ur friends forever
kristl: then afterwards, u realize that u dont have much in common anymore and ur not so good friends and u drift
ian: but wen its done...
ian: yea i sooo get wot u mean

So yeah, Kristl and I were just talking about random stuff after she consulted me about her career options... and it's funny that she brought up the event she so aptly called the Summer Camp Syndrome. It's nothing very foreign to me... and most times I wish "summer camp" won't end. Is this event all too natural, the way things normally would go? Is there no way to fight the syndrome?

I guess often I am the one at the hopeful end, believing that we would all be friends forever. So in the end, I get hurt... but I'm too stubborn not to believe, or try or hope... that moments shared in "summer camp" do last forever, that friendships do last a lifetime... even if reality tells me otherwise

Permanence

2007-05-12T22:23:00.000+08:00

A friend told me "Maybe the people in your life just come when you need them the most... and they leave once they help you get by..."

and deep in my mind I replied, "why can't those people who matter most to me stay? because nowadays I feel that everyone who was able to make me smile has left... and you who are here now I am afraid will drift off soon too..."

The past week was tough and today probably was the culmination of all those feelings... that I just wanted to turn to someone and cry... turn to someone who I know after all those tears have been shed will make me feel so much better. But when I looked around, I got all the more depressed... because I couldn't find anyone who can make me real happy... because the people who did have left, and the person who does I'm so scared will leave too...

Why do people enter my life and turn it to great, then eventually leave? Can't someone, anyone, just stay for good?

Donuts

2007-05-07T23:48:00.000+08:00

A box of Krispy Kreme can...

say "I'm sorry"
make a smile
get you strikes in bowling
douse your sweet cravings
give good memories

A box of Krispy Kreme...

Disappointments and Complexities

2007-05-06T01:36:00.000+08:00

Shoti pissed me off real bad today... well maybe "pissed" isn't the right word... more of disappointed. He probably doesn't know it as I just ignored him... I duno if I should even bother to tell him about it. Nowadays I honestly have to say that rather than being happy, I feel more down with how things are with Shoti.

On the brighter side of the day, I got to meet up with 4b (High School) dudes. It was nice catching up on people's lives after such a long time. Some things change, and some still are the same. But what really made me think was how things could've been if I didn't lose touch with some people there. It might be a totally different me sitting here right now... less honest, less mushy, less open, but less pain, more secure, less complicated, more confident... well that's how I think things would be. Would things be more happy that way than what I have now?

I had fun a while ago, and I missed the company... More so, I missed the less complex me. High School was really pretty simple...

Trust Issues

2007-05-05T03:04:00.000+08:00

What I see tells me you're trying your best and you're doing what you can to be there for me... but somehow a part of me still can't trust you that much... It sounds bad but I guess I have doubts that you're no different from those I trusted before.

Are you different?

How to Love

2007-04-29T15:52:00.000+08:00

To be truly happy for someone even if somehow it hurts you instead... to me that's one meaning of love... and for most times loving that way is hard.

OPA!

2007-04-23T05:36:00.000+08:00

Smile Snapshot 2